Mad Madam Maidy

2009-06-14T23:00:00.002-05:00

Took the boys to the pool today. It was a lot of fun watching the boys smile and enjoy being in the water. I'm glad I'm able to keep up with Jack and everything he wanted to do today.

Also, climbed up the steps to the top of the water slide at the pool. The last time I did this was at Ellie's birthday party last August. I thought I would pass out from lack of air and my lungs felt like burning not to mention my legs felt like rubber bands the next day.

This time, didn't gasp for breath at all. It was as if I'd just been walking. Also, the legs weren't bothered at all. I LOVE BEING HEALTHIER!

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

2009-06-09T00:20:00.002-05:00

That's right....I'm going to their concert!
One of the top 5 best birthday presents ever.

I haven't been to a concert of my choice since Clinton was President....I think.
Cheese 'n Rice that's a long time!

Ode

2009-06-09T00:13:00.002-05:00

To my boys, Jackson and Benjamin - thank you for every lesson learned by having the best two boys around. Thank you for loving me and not judging me despite my warts, harry knuckles and ugly temper.

You are the reason I continue to love and put up with your father. LOL.

Please grow up to be successful and send me into early retirement (preferably in a gated, upscale, California estate community near a mall with great shoe depts).

Love, Mom.

2009-05-17T20:54:00.002-05:00

I'm good at taking care of my things. I don't destroy them, ignore them, rip them, mess them up, break them, smear crap on them, or just leave it to luck it won't malfunction somehow if I don't maintain it.

I learned very early on money does not grow on trees and that your parents won't always be able to pull whatever you want/broke out of a hat. I learned very early on that living in/caring for the house was a family responsibility and NOT something you had to do only when it occurred to you to do it. I learned early on that if you knowingly neglect to care for your home and the contents within (including family members), and it results in breaking/malfunctioning, it will not be replaced.

However, in MY experience as matriarch of THIS household, here are the following things I've learned:

I learned that 5 seconds of cleaning out the lint trap in the dryer will prevent the dryer from eventually breaking down, taking longer to dry clothes, expending more energy (e.g. higher bills) or worst case scenario, burning down the frickin' house and killing everyone within the house.

I learned that if you continue to load the dishwasher with wads of food and coffee grounds still in/on the dishes, the dish washer WILL break and your spouse will have to increase her credit debt and buy a new dish washer to fix YOUR mistake.

I learned that crumbs strewn all around the toaster (or all over every available space on the kitchen counter) are in fact NOT visible to the naked eye for some odd reason and therefore, does not need to be removed.

I learned it's okay to clean/clear things around the house half-way even though you have two very young kids in that house who get into and touch EVERYTHING.

I learned that asking for something to be done is not enough. Demanding/ordering for something to be done isn't enough either when asking doesn't work. And when the demanding/ordering fails to give you results, and you have to resort to screaming/yelling and threatening, that IT is also not enough b/c you've only done it about 523 times.

Maybe the 524th time will be the charm - but who knows. Apparently, I have a great deal of lessons still to learn.

I have a prediction....I think the next lesson I learn will be "Laziness - why mine is more important than your well being".

Progress Report

2009-05-05T21:04:00.003-05:00

I have not blogged in many weeks...or is it months? I'm not sure where time goes.

Anyway, the last time I blogged, I was consumed with bad news from my doctor during my annual visit. Here's an update....

I've been working out since late March. I've been waking up at 5am on the days I go into the office as we have a fitness center in the lower level. I started out walking, then I tried the stationary bike and fell in love with the good sweat it worked up for me. Then I decided to mix things up with cycling for 45 minutes, then fast walking on an incline for 30 minutes. Now I'm cycling to warm up for 15 minutes, then getting into a medium paced jog for 2-3 miles on the treadmill.

I mixed it up with a bit of yoga to break the cardio boredom after a few weeks.

On some days I worked out twice a day. It proved to be awesome when it came to shedding pounds, but I felt very tired at the end of the day. I learned I need to eat small frequent meals during the 2 workout session days.

Weight wise, I've lost about 12 pounds. My clothes fit comfortably now and are not too tight. I'm happy to say I can get into shorts I wore before getting pregnant with Ben 2 summers ago.

Energy level has soared compared to where it used to be for me. I go on walks with the kids whenever I can. I move faster around the house when doing chores. I jogged a mile around my neighborhood a few weeks ago which always took me forever to do, but this time, I was able to warm up, jog the mile and cool down within 25 minutes (I warm up for a long time cause jogging/running just isn't second nature to me right off the bat).

Nutrition - I discovered the following salad: tomato, cucumber, basil, red onion, a little bit of extra virgin olive oil and a bit of kosher salt with fresh mozz. cheese! Yummy! Add grilled chicken and you've got a complete meal! The basil adds so much flavor. This is a good alternative to the regular green leafy boring salads and avoiding tons of calorie filled salad dressing.

I can also have the 'sometimes' food now without too harsh a consequence. My metabolism has kicked in (I couldn't believe I actually had one).

The one thing left to do is my pulmonary test which I scheduled, then completely forgot about this past Sunday. I need to schedule that in again before the Florida trip so that I can have my results. I'll be taking my workout stuff on the trip so I can continue my progress and see where I end up. I'd like to get to a 10 minute mile...nothing too lofty or out there.

OUT of shape

2009-03-23T11:47:00.003-05:00

We have a road trip to Florida coming up in May.
I am really looking forward to it as it will test our boys' ability to travel long distances in the car without driving the parents and gomoh nuts.

Really, I'm not afraid to endure the slings and arrows of kid tantrums, and gas station poopy diaper changes (we've already done this with Jack - shady, tiny, smelly gas station in Florida on a hot, humid day). Diapers get changed and then it's over. Tantrums come and then they go (with the help of lollipops).

What I'm really afraid of is not being able to look at myself in the mirror a few weeks from now (I think it's down to eight now) and be happy with the way I look. I am terribly out of shape. I look at myself sideways and I look about 5-6 months pregnant. It's sad really considering Ben is 9 months old. I still have one pair of maternity jeans I keep as a safety net (which is quite often these days).

I can physically FEEL the extra weight on me and what it's done to my mobility, mood, and mental state.

Mobility - I'm not as limber, or as quick as I used to be. It takes an extra 4-7 seconds to get up onto my feel from a sitting position from my livingroom floor. My feet hurt after a considerable walk because there's more weight being distributed. My shoe size has not changed, so basically my feet are trying to support someome who is 50 pounds heavier. Gads. My stomach gets in the way when I tie my gym shoes, put on socks, or when I bend over to pick up toys from the floor. I feel my face turning red.

Mood - it makes me feel lazy when I'm this fat. 'Nuff said.

Mental State - I've been calculating how much weight would be possible to take off safely in eight weeks. It's depressing how slow weight loss can be. I've been working at the gym at the office and I've not made any progress relative to numbers. I realized that age is a factor in how quickly I can shed pounds/fat now. When I was in my 20's I could shed mind boggling amount of weight in a week's time. My body seems to be working against me now.

We were at the playground near my house over the weekend. I was on the see-saw for only a few minutes. My quads hurt. Sigh. Then I was sore all weekend long. Sigh.

Hello

2009-03-21T22:49:00.003-05:00

I don't care how bloated or dishevelled I look in this photo....my boys are handsome!

I caved

2009-01-16T23:19:00.001-06:00

I joined facebook...I think I am probably one of the last people to join this 'cult' but I did it.

I kept getting 'pinged' by 'friends'.

So now I have facebook AND this blog. Feels ridiculously excessive.

Still Broken

2009-01-13T13:51:00.002-06:00

I am not feeling better.

Last night, I had such a coughing fit that I threw up....I don't think I will ever feel the same about brownies ever again.

This morning, after having called my boss to tell him I am taking a sick day, I went back to my doctor's office. This time, I got steroids, another inhaler, and was advised to continue with the codeine/cough suppressant. I was also sent over to the diagnostic test center for a chest x-ray.

They don't know what is wrong with me and why I keep coughing like I do. With exception of a slight wheez they heard around the upper right part of my chest, my lungs sounded clear.

Lots of possibilities were talked about....bronchitis (viral which means there are no meds to help me), whooping cough, and even asthma.

I don't care what this is....I just want the meds to kick in quick and make me feel better.

Though I don't have a fever, my body aches, and my head, chest, and throat hurts every time I have to cough.

I don't want to take my inhaler....because I have to breathe in deep when I use it, it only makes me want to cough even more.

REALLY Broken

2009-01-08T22:03:00.002-06:00

Saw the doctor today....it's either something called walking pneumonia or bronchitis....she was leaning more towards bronchitis....here are the meds I'm on...

Inhaler - medicine for airways/chest
Antibiotic - to rid of whatever is lingering in my system
Codeine - to knock me out for the night so I can sleep and get some rest

I hope it works.

Broken - Needs Repair

2009-01-03T23:33:00.002-06:00

I am breaking down. Finally, time, along with the wear and tear of every day life has caught up with me....well, I shouldn't say finally...it's been chasing me for a while now and is now hot on my heels and I can no longer ignore the fatigue my body feels.

I've been coughing since Thanksgiving....again. It came with a cold I caught, then lingered, then faded long enough for me to get my hopes up only to return with annoyance equal to someone having scheduled a 4:30pm work meeting on a Friday...and I can go on about the weirdos who do this but that will have to be another post...I don't exactly have the time or the emotional stamina needed to delve into THAT annoyance just right now.

Right now, my chest and throat are soar from coughing, my right arm swollen and achy all the way up to the right side of my neck, my nose is runny and dry at the same time, and my left lymph node under my jaw is swollen and soar...I also have 5 large zits right in this area - odd.

My joints hurt when I try to get up after I'd been sitting on the couch or the kitchen chair for 15 minutes or longer. My feet throb and feel hot at the end of the day - it keeps me from falling asleep in bed some nights. And speaking of sleeping in a bed....I've resigned to sleeping on the air mattress so as not to wake Alex or Ben during the middle of the night. As a result, my back and neck hurt form sleeping on an air mattress.

I'm puffy - I'm not sure why.

The bones in my hand feel stiff and slow to react. I'm constantly dropping things, bumping into things or knocking things over with my now clumsy hands.

Maybe I've reached the human equivalent of 100,000 miles on a car....and having had infrequent oil changes and tune ups, the other gears in my body are starting to revolt.

Christmas List 2009

2008-11-28T09:33:00.002-06:00

I've been asked to post a wish list for Christmas this year....

1) One day of the following: no dirty dishes in the sink all day (at any time including dirty bottles), no laundry in the washer needing to be moved to the dryer, no laundry in the dryer needing to be taken out and folded and put away, breakfast, lunch and dinner already planned and made by someone else, no clutter all day long, not having to pick up after anyone all day, having garbage taken out without having to ask, to be able to hang out with the boys and not do any house work all day long.

2) Donation of foods/goods to the local charity/shelter/Good Will

3) Foot massage

4) 2 hours for myself

5) Jack to say Merry Christmas

6) Ben to rollover/sit up on his own

7) Lots and lots of my mom's awesome Korean food

8) Bigger House

9) Snoreless Night's Sleep

10) Dance Party with the boys (w/ lots of Wany's Chex Mix)

Shorts

2008-11-05T21:01:00.002-06:00

I'm so tired. Ben continues to get up in the middle of the night to eat. When will this end? I hope soon.....very soon!

I'm too tired to write anything else.

I Wear the Pants!

2008-10-15T21:17:00.004-05:00

I have suspected it all along....

Alex is the wife and I am the husband. We are the opposite.

We took a test and it confirmed my suspicions. Alex found this test somewhere on line during work (though he constantly complains about having so much work to do he manages to find time for self assessment tests). It tests quite a bit of things which are designed to determine right or left brain hemisphere dominance.

Alex's score fell JUST short of the average woman's score and my score fell JUST short of the average man's score. I am systematic, a linear thinker, logical and not at all very empathetic like the average woman.

I have taken/been through other assessments of this kind which all point in this same direction...I like process, logic, rules, data, strategy...etc.

But I think this is exactly why Alex and I are married...together we make the perfect, balanced person.

Heard Recently

2008-09-18T21:41:00.002-05:00

Some funny/interesting things I heard recently:

Little Nut Brown Hare

"a cat could do this job!"

I'm a professional

It's rooooooined!

Game over! Game over!

That is the ugliest guy I've ever seen

Bank of America used their depositor's funds as collateral for their recent purchase of Merrill Lynch - and the gov't allows it.

Is water magnetic?

Was that you or Ben?

Last Instruction

2008-08-25T23:34:00.003-05:00

My husband recently blogged about a last letter (related to wills).
I however, will not have a list for the boys. My only instruction for them will be this:

ALWAYS listen to your father with respect at all times....then think about what your mother would do, and act on THAT.

He Doesn't Believe Me

2008-08-25T21:01:00.004-05:00

I am not a big fan of tolerance or suffering on behalf of anyone or any thing.

We've only had two kids in the house for three months and I am already dreaming about a vacation of our own - just me and Alex - no kids, no diapers, no potty training, no bottles, and certainly being able to eat a hot meal the minute it is served without having to wipe someone's hands or face every two minutes or picking up something from the floor.

I told Alex as much, but he seems to be under the impression I am dreaming of such a vacation from the kids because this is the 'hard' time (as he calls it) and because I am still relatively new to having two kids in the house.

What my dear husband doesn't realize is that I am totally and completely being serious about wanting a vacation. He said it would be five years from now before we could even think about taking a vacation alone.

Five years from now the boys will be old enough where I will WANT to take them on vacation with me so that they can share in the experience. But right now, when their world is still somewhat smaller and limited due to their age, I'd like to set my feet down in a different place just for a while - alone.

I'd just need 3-4 days. He said we'd be lucky to get 2 days. Maybe he's right. Maybe from this point on it is useless to dream of such luxuries. Maybe I'm stupid for even thinking it could be possible.

I feel an immense pressure to act and think what is expected of me as a 'mother'.
But who wrote THAT book? And must I follow that? Does motherhood mean not wanting a vacation from the kids - ever? And does that mean I am a bad mother or evil becuase I thought it? What's the ettiquette for that? What is the proper amount of time that is deemed proper for a mother to voice that she would like a vacation from the kids without fear of judgment?

Does anyone read anymore?

2008-08-21T22:20:00.000-05:00

This is my attempt to see how many (if any) people actually visit my blog and identify who they are.

I have been suspecting all along that no one really reads/visits my blog anymore so I shall test this.

If you have visited and read my blogs, please leave comment.

...now to see how long it takes to get a response - if any.

If no one is reading/visiting my blog, I might as well write what I really think, right? :-)

I love my boys....really, I do!

2008-08-19T23:27:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I still can't believe it. I am a mother of two.
It seems like just yesterday when Alex and I moved into this house we're in now - just the two of us, trying out new recipes, kicking back and watching all our favorite shows, having time to blog, sleeping through the night...and weekends were just more hours to fill with movies, seeing our friends, running errands, and oh yeah...sleeping in!

I dream about those days now and wonder why we didn't get more done!

These days, I'm lucky if I get a shower in during the day and Alex is lucky if he gets to watch one of his favorite shows on TV. We both have talked about what it would be like if we could just have one weekend, one day without the boys, where we could just sleep in...then we asked ourselves, would we be able to sleep past 6 or 7am on a Saturday? Would we automatically wake up during those hours anyways just as Jack has trained us to do?

When it was just Jack, Alex and I would ask ourselves from time to time "what in the world did we ever do with our time before we had Jack? This is so much fun!"

Now that we have two, Alex and I have asked ourselves "what would we do if we had just one day to ourselves?"

Don't get me wrong - we love our boys and having two kids was definitely what we wanted all along. We just never realized how much harder managing two kids 21 months apart would be in a tiny two bedroom condo.

Initially I rejected the hardship and kept wondering why Ben wouldn't sleep well like Jack did eight weeks into life and why the house was a mess on a daily basis, and why we were spending so much on groceries every week.

But now I think I am a point where I have resigned to the fact that I will never get enough sleep, weekend shopping excursions will be limited to Jewel and Target, and the house will not be clean or contain unstained, neat, unbroken things for at least the next 18 years.

My OCD (my needs) will just have to wait the next two decades while we try to raise two beautiful boys.

Sun Burn and Other Happenings

2008-07-31T22:28:00.002-05:00

Got sun burn while detailing the cars Tuesday afternoon. I didn't think I'd be out there THAT long, so I didn't bother to even thing about sunscreen. That was a mistake. It was painful yesterday, it is now itchy today. Sigh. It wouldn't be half as bad if I'd just gotten a normal looking burn, but no....I have this weird sports bra and tank top pattern on my back now and for the rest of the Summer. Sigh...sigh.

Sam left today back for Florida. We miss her already. Alex really misses having a family member around the house for an extended period of time....so now I wonder what his wife and kids are to him? Are we not family too? Just kidding. I know what he means. I am fortunate that I live very close to my family (though sometimes I wish I didn't) but Alex does not have such luxuries as those he grew up sharing living space with are in Florida - far away. He really enjoyed having Sam around as did the rest of us and felt the void she left behind tonight as silence fell over the house after Jack and Ben fell asleep. I'm sure Alex misses having Sam to pick on and talk about films and comics.

We sent her home with a nice book, photos of the kids, and a gift certificate to Sephora for all the help she provided in July.

Life with Ben without the help of Sam or anyone else for that matter truly begins Monday when Alex is back at work, Jack is at daycare and I am home alone with the Ban-Ji-Man. He is an incredibly cute kid like his brother, but unlike his brother, Ben can become angry, very quickly. Oh, and also, he does not like to sleep. Sigh.

I am feeling better nowadays though....much less frazzled. I think I had too much going on all at the same time and became stressed out. Now that the stressful moments are over, I am feeling more level headed and used to having a newborn in the house again. I am not sure why I expected things to be orderly and systematic.

I got my hair cut short. It's an angled bob, or an inverted bob as Sam called it. Whatever it is, I love it. It's short in the back and longer in the front so it still gives the illusion of having length without the long length which would have been too much for me to take care of had I left my hair long.

My back is itchy but I cannot scratch it...the burn still hurts. Gads!

6 weeks

2008-07-17T10:29:00.002-05:00

Officially 6 weeks post partum. My check up went well. I am back to normal and little by little, I can start getting back to normal things. Lifting Jack, however, still makes my incision area achy and sore so I have to still take it easy with him. Otherwise, I plan on taking daily walks and even try my hand at getting back to jogging again though I'm not sure how I'll get this accomplished once Sammie goes back to Florida. Hmmm. Must think about this some more. I may have to resort to jogging at night after Jack goes to bed while Alex watches Ben.

Nights and days are still mixed up for the B-man. Trying to fix it starting today by waking him up every 3 hours after he dozes off. He has his bigger chunks of sleep during the day time, but during the night, he promptly gets up every 2-3 hours to eat or just fuss. Sigh. I am very tired.

Need to think about budgeting what remains of our savings account till I return back to work. Need to go grocery shopping too for some odds and ends here and there.

I am thinking about putting an end to pumping. I don't get much as it is right now and if Ben is indeed allergic to lactose, wouldn't he be allergic to the lactose that's in breast milk anyways?

Alex goes in for surgery Monday. He is worried. Because he's been so very healthy all his life (despite his history of high blood pressure and bad cholesterol - it runs in his family)he is quite nervous about going under the knife.

Logically, he knows there is nothing to be afraid of. In reality, it still scares him to death to go under for his irrational fear of not being able to come back out of it. Unfounded fear? Yes, but I guess I would feel/be the same way if I were in his position.

Okay, gotta go now...eat lunch, then look up some stuff about breastmilk allergies.

I have a date!

2008-07-09T17:27:00.002-05:00

Yes, it's true! I have a date this Friday and it is not with my husband. Gasp!
No worries or gossip to be had here....I am meeting a couple of my female coworkers from the office.

Our department has recently had a re-org. so I'm sure there will be plenty of things to discuss related to the change as well as other gossip that I've missed out on since 6/6.

I am glad to be out of the house every now and then as it helps keep my sanity. I am so terribly thankful to have my sister in law here to help me as well. I don't know what kind of mental state I'd be in if it weren't for her help and company.

Anyway, just wanted to note that I am in much better mood since my last post. I think it's because I'm actually getting things done around the house, am able to check my work email, and I've actually started making a list of things I'd like to do or get done this month. Yes, the planning Taylor is back! Woo hoo! Today I dumped all of Ben's feeding times and amounts into .xls format. I needed to do something like that (I know for most of you this isn't exciting). I think Ben is trying to develop a pattern of sleep and wakefulness. I'm beginning to feel more and more like myself again.

Okay, the B-man awakes. Gotta go change his diaper and get him fed on schedule.

Inadequate

2008-07-07T19:51:00.002-05:00

Breast feeding is not going anywhere. Ben absolutely refuses to nurse 90% of the time and when he does decide to nurse, it's as a last resort and only on one side. I have all but given up on the hopes that he will ever breast feed.

Pumping hasn't been that much more successful either. Ben is a very needy baby and therefore I do not always get to pump at a 2 hour cycle every day. With my sister in law here to help, I assumed I would not have this problem but I can't pump and leave the bottle feeding to Sam all the time. I feel I'd be neglecting Ben in my motherly duties if Sam took care of the bottle feedings 6 times out of the 8-12 in a 24 hour period. I don't know. Maybe it's not such a bad thing. I don't know.

Emotionally I feel like a wreck. I'm feeling okay about things one minute and the next I feel like my life is utterly out of control. I hate feeling out of control.

I feel like I'm not being a good mother to Ben. When Ben is not sleeping or eating he is crying....I mean all the time! I can count on one had the few times when he's been awake, just alert and gazing at things or faces without crying bloody murder! I'm fearful that he has what I'm beginning to think is 24-7 colic. It's not just certain times of the day, or night. It's all day, all night. If he's not feeding he's crying. I don't remember Jack being so fussy.

At times I get angry about the crying, but I know it's irrational and that's what babies do, they cry. I tell this to myself until someone (friends or family) come over and see first had what I'm talking about when I complain about the crying.

I know every baby is different, and right now I feel totally unable to console or care for Ben. I don't know what he needs, I don't know how to console him. Maybe I'm not spenidng enough time with him. Maybe I don't play with him enough. Maybe he's complaining because he needs face time - my face. But I am so tired.

He feeds every 2-3 hours and trying to get him on a schedule seems less than impossible.

He needed a bath today, but I don't want to give him one as he will most certainly start crying. Whenever I walk into a room he starts to cry. He hates me.

Jack is crying in his room right now. It is past his bedtime. I don't know why he is crying. I hope he goes back to bed.

I have to pee and right now I'm blogging instead of peeing. Why? Because I need an outlet, to vent. I feel I need to vent more this time around than I did with Jack. I feel horrible. All the best laid plans have crumbled before me and I'm having to work with what is left to me.

I need to pee, then take my mom to my sister house now. She had an endoscopy today. I realized a lot of things about my mom today, but mostly that I love her very much and I need to take better care of her.

That's my stress right now...I want to take care of everyone and everything and I feel I am not equipped for such a duty.

2008-07-03T21:09:00.002-05:00

It's been 4 weeks since the birth of my second son, Ben.

He is a beautiful baby. He is a hungry baby. He is a I want play and look at faces baby. He is also pretty good about getting up several times at night for long feedings.

I've had to adjust my way of thinking. At first I was nothing but annoyed by the fact that Ben would wake up every two hours to feed. His feeding sessions would last anywhere between what seemed like 15 minutes to 15 hours! I guess it's because it was the middle of the night that it felt longer. But there were many nights I'd look at the clock and see that he'd been eating his 4 oz bottle for the past hour.

Then there were nights he was so gassy and fussy that he slept no more than 40 minutes at a time. Poor kid. But he's a champion burper (thanks to his dad) and pooper (also thanks to his dad). He has had no problem gaining weight or growing. He's very strong too. He's already lifting his head and moving from side to side.

There were times I thought I was going to lose my mind during the middle of the night. There were times I shed a few tears as well...blame it on hormones or the fact that I'd totally forgotten that it must have been like this with Jack as well.

Maybe I didn't mind as much with Jack just cause he was one baby and our first, so I think my nerves and my OCD kicked in to block out the reality of being sleep deprived and unshowered for days on end and not having eaten.

Also with Jack, I didn't pump breast milk, so I had plenty of coffee to sustain me through the hours. Not so with Ben. But I keep thinking about the benefits Ben will have received from breast milk. I am hoping Ben will not get ear infections like Jack. I am hoping he will be able to stave off the common cold when he is at daycare.

My sister-in-law, Samantha is here to help me for a month which is totally appreciated! She has already helped tons by cleaning the many bottles Ben goes through. I am afraid I will have been spoiled rotten by the time she leaves. Sigh.

However I find that there are still many things that keep me busy during the day...laundry, what to do about lunch, dinner, snacks, did I pump on schedule? Have I showered? Should I make more seaweed soup? Yes, I think I shall. In fact, that is what I'm going to do now. I love that stuff and it's supposed to be good for milk production. Oh, that's another thing I need to find out, what foods will cause the least amount of gas for Ben in breast milk. Sigh. So many things to do!

Week 3

2008-06-23T12:42:00.003-05:00

I am surrounded by breast pump accessories, bottles, bottle brushes, diapers, onesies, socks, and more diapers.

Life with Ben so far as been as expected and then not so expected. I knew being with a newborn again was going to be tough...sleepless nights were a must and frequent diapers changes and adhering to Ben's schedule was expected.

What I did not expect was the intensity of fatigue and the marathon pace the 2nd time around would be.

Like most first time 2nd time parents, I thought it would be easier, calmer, less frantic because we'd gone through all the craziness before. What I did not take into calculation was that before, it was just one baby and us.

This time around, not only do we have a newborn to contend with, but with a very active toddler.

We are doing our best to make sure Jack does not feel neglected in any way. He had Grandma, Grannie and Granpa to occupy him the past two weeks and he enjoyed every minute of it. Jack has been very good about being around Ben as well. He kisses Ben on the head, arm, and hand whenever he can, and says good-morning to him every day.

I have also been fortunate that Ben is not a screamer, and Jack doesn't seem to be bothered by the cries when there is noise, so I am very thankful for that. I hope Ben stays this way...Jack wasn't a loud baby either, so if Ben stays on course, this means we have another easy going baby in Ben.

I try to get showers whenever I can just so that I still feel a part of the world. Something happens to a person when they hang out in pajamas, or in my case nursing gown 24-7. One day seems to melt right into the next and you don't feel productive, even though you're pumping, feeding, changing, burping, cooking, cleaning...etc.

Oh, and that's another thing. I will definitely appreciate Sam's help when she is here next week. I need all the help I can get washing bottles, planning meals, keeping the house clean - though people including Alex, have told me not to worry about the housework so much and that keeping a house clean with a 21 month old and a newborn is impossible anyway.

For me, cleaning the house is keep my sanity and peace of mind. I can't live in a space that is unorganized and sloppy, for me, it just adds stress, especially since our space is limited to about 800 square feet total. Gads.

We hope my mother's place will sell quickly so our family can move onto a bigger place where Ben has a room of his own and does not have to room with mommy and daddy in the near future.

I have to call the breastfeeding hotline today but have not had a chance to all day yet (it is now 2pm). I will have to wait till the next time Ben is down for a nap to make that call. He has a sever case of nipple confusion. He hates the breast. Sigh. But I continue to pump with my newly purchased breast pump which I might add works better than the hospital grade pump we rented for two weeks.

Okay, Ben is getting restless, need to tend to the Banji-Mon.