Mad Madam Maidy

2011-11-07T20:43:00.003-06:00

Glom

There aren't enough emotions or words to describe how I feel right now. I feel like crying mostly though I'm shamefully aware crying is the wussy and weak thing to do. I am trying really hard to see how this is going to help me going forward or what important lesson I'll be drawing out of this one but it's hard to see. I think maybe w/ some time the bitterness will dull out more, and a roundness of understanding and peace will replace what is currently sharp, and betrayed.

I should remember that no one is ever really stuck, but just unaware their legs were under them all along. I should acknowledge that what I have is far more compared to those who have not. I should see that this is only a very tiny and what will most likely become almost an invisible moment of my life which I will not remember years from now. I shall try to keep in mind that I am building towards a goal, big picture outcome, that when it comes right down to it, my motivation is love.

But for now, I shall curse those who crossed me under my breath and eat a slice of brownie.

2011-09-26T17:49:00.001-05:00

I don't care....I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.....sometimes I hate people.

2011-07-18T12:27:00.002-05:00

So I am on vacation for the next 2 weeks.

Today I am home alone - Alex is at work and the kids are at school.
I have no idea what to do with myself. So much for 'me' time. I think me time is over rated.
I miss all my boys terribly right now and wish they were here to inspire me like they usually do.

Good thing Alex has the day off tomorrow and then we'll be headed to Florida Wednesday morning. Hope the boys will enjoy the airport experience. We are bringing suckers for their ears and Benedryl for us though I doubt they'll sleep at all.

Hoping to be able to let go of my OCD for a while. Tehehehehehe!

Good -Bye 2010

2010-12-31T23:29:00.003-06:00

One change I need to make in 2011.
Stop creating/finding myself in situations where I have to do the opposite of what I actually WANT to do.

Happy New Year - Happy Life.

2010-09-15T14:51:00.002-05:00

Ah - finally a minute or two to take a bio break, eat lunch, and breathe....beeeeaaaathe.
I am entering what I've known as crunch time where work is concerned. And of course, the instant I NEED time to get personal things done, professional obligations come into play.

I don't care. I'm going to make dinner, play with the kids, and go for a nice long bike ride tonight.
Wish there were 3 of me sometimes.

Idiot Blogger

2010-09-12T00:03:00.000-05:00

I can blog again! Woo hoo!

I'd really messed up my username/email/access/admin. crap and was not able to blog for the longest time.

Alex fixed. 'Nuff said. :-)

Small Country

2010-01-11T23:34:00.004-06:00

Had coffee for breakfast.
Had a sm. cup of veggie chili and half a chicken salad for lunch with Coke.
Grande Mocha'd with extra shot during food coma at the office.
Had fried rice and 6 potstickers w/ kimchee for dinner.
Had ice cream and Coke for dessert.
Snacked on 3 Korean choco cookies.
Knoshed on 2 mint chocolate pieces.
Contemplated disolving an organic lollipop.

Conclusion - I've eaten a small country and 3 days worth of self esteem.

2010 Stuff

2009-12-29T02:15:00.003-06:00

Stuff I want to get done in 2010 but most likely won't....

1) Grow out my awful short hair cut

2) Get low and highlights again

3) Start running again

4) Read 1 fiction book

5) Potty train Jack

6) Learn to roll with the punches - can't plan/control everything (MUCH to my horror & dismay)

7) More phone calls, less email

8) Update the bathroom (I will most likely get this done as I love home improvement projects)

9) More talking, less yelling

10) Get more sleep (this is the least likely to happen in 2010, or any year for that matter)

I'm Back!

2009-12-14T23:23:00.003-06:00

Holy cow! I finally got my access back! Jeez!
I'd lost it for a while as I'd not blogged for a spell and completely messed up my sign in information. Sigh. Yes....I'm not that bright.

Anyhoo....here's the haps:

1) Been couging/sick since Halloween! On steroid inhaler now. Cannot burn any scented candles in the house as it irritates my cough. My chest hurts if I move the wrong way, sneeze or cough, or sigh...or breathe.

2) Have not worked out since 2 weeks before Halloween! I KNOW I've gained more than a few pounds. Disastrous!

3) Had my mom cut my uneven, unflattering, choppy hair. Looks way better now.

4) Met niece #3 on 12/1/2009.

5) Ben started daycare - he is doing great.

6) Hubby and I are going to see Jim Gaffigan live at the Chicago Theater in January. Can't wait to be out and about again! Woo hoo!

7) Got a speeding ticket a couple of weeks ago. Really need to take care of that tomorrow.

8) Will probably spend way too much money on gifts for the kids. Sigh.

Road Ahead

2009-08-13T00:05:00.002-05:00

25 pounds to go....argh.

So if I average about 2 pounds a week, in about 13 weeks (just a little over 3 months - aka Thanksgiving) I should be where I want to be, right??!?!?!

Broke Down in Elgin

2009-08-09T23:33:00.003-05:00

Our printer is .....

Dead
Finished
Bit the dust
in Printer heaven (or the other place depending on what kind of day it was)
Spit out it's last page
Crapped Out
Busted
USB challenged
Gone fishing
Expired
Terminated

Why is it that the instant you need to use something, the damn thing breaks down?

Thanks to my FIL, we'll be getting a replacement shortly. Woo hoo! Take that printer karma - looks like I'll be printing AFTERall!

I win, I win, I win!

Missing 30 days!

2009-08-03T01:04:00.001-05:00

I just realized while looking at my blogs.....I posted NO blogs in the month of July for 2009. No one will ever know/remember (including me) what the heck I did in the month of July and the 30 days contained within.

Cut and Coffee

2009-08-02T01:33:00.003-05:00

With time being a highly desired commodity these days, I was hoping I could squeeze in a hair cut at KidSnips today while the boys were there. I even went so far as to ask the boys' stylist if she had moms ever ask for a cut. She said yes, moms do ask for cuts, but that it's usually limited to an easy trim or maintaining bangs. I'm not a big fan of bangs - at least not in the sense that it is above your eyes anyway, so I just left it at that.

I have an appt. at an adult salon tomorrow at 2:15pm. I desperately need a cut.

Thinking about taking the boys out to Starbuck's tomorrow morning for a coffee run and let Alex and Sam sleep in. This is what I did last Sunday. I kind of dig it.

2009-06-14T23:00:00.002-05:00

Took the boys to the pool today. It was a lot of fun watching the boys smile and enjoy being in the water. I'm glad I'm able to keep up with Jack and everything he wanted to do today.

Also, climbed up the steps to the top of the water slide at the pool. The last time I did this was at Ellie's birthday party last August. I thought I would pass out from lack of air and my lungs felt like burning not to mention my legs felt like rubber bands the next day.

This time, didn't gasp for breath at all. It was as if I'd just been walking. Also, the legs weren't bothered at all. I LOVE BEING HEALTHIER!

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

2009-06-09T00:20:00.002-05:00

That's right....I'm going to their concert!
One of the top 5 best birthday presents ever.

I haven't been to a concert of my choice since Clinton was President....I think.
Cheese 'n Rice that's a long time!

Ode

2009-06-09T00:13:00.002-05:00

To my boys, Jackson and Benjamin - thank you for every lesson learned by having the best two boys around. Thank you for loving me and not judging me despite my warts, harry knuckles and ugly temper.

You are the reason I continue to love and put up with your father. LOL.

Please grow up to be successful and send me into early retirement (preferably in a gated, upscale, California estate community near a mall with great shoe depts).

Love, Mom.

2009-05-17T20:54:00.002-05:00

I'm good at taking care of my things. I don't destroy them, ignore them, rip them, mess them up, break them, smear crap on them, or just leave it to luck it won't malfunction somehow if I don't maintain it.

I learned very early on money does not grow on trees and that your parents won't always be able to pull whatever you want/broke out of a hat. I learned very early on that living in/caring for the house was a family responsibility and NOT something you had to do only when it occurred to you to do it. I learned early on that if you knowingly neglect to care for your home and the contents within (including family members), and it results in breaking/malfunctioning, it will not be replaced.

However, in MY experience as matriarch of THIS household, here are the following things I've learned:

I learned that 5 seconds of cleaning out the lint trap in the dryer will prevent the dryer from eventually breaking down, taking longer to dry clothes, expending more energy (e.g. higher bills) or worst case scenario, burning down the frickin' house and killing everyone within the house.

I learned that if you continue to load the dishwasher with wads of food and coffee grounds still in/on the dishes, the dish washer WILL break and your spouse will have to increase her credit debt and buy a new dish washer to fix YOUR mistake.

I learned that crumbs strewn all around the toaster (or all over every available space on the kitchen counter) are in fact NOT visible to the naked eye for some odd reason and therefore, does not need to be removed.

I learned it's okay to clean/clear things around the house half-way even though you have two very young kids in that house who get into and touch EVERYTHING.

I learned that asking for something to be done is not enough. Demanding/ordering for something to be done isn't enough either when asking doesn't work. And when the demanding/ordering fails to give you results, and you have to resort to screaming/yelling and threatening, that IT is also not enough b/c you've only done it about 523 times.

Maybe the 524th time will be the charm - but who knows. Apparently, I have a great deal of lessons still to learn.

I have a prediction....I think the next lesson I learn will be "Laziness - why mine is more important than your well being".

Progress Report

2009-05-05T21:04:00.003-05:00

I have not blogged in many weeks...or is it months? I'm not sure where time goes.

Anyway, the last time I blogged, I was consumed with bad news from my doctor during my annual visit. Here's an update....

I've been working out since late March. I've been waking up at 5am on the days I go into the office as we have a fitness center in the lower level. I started out walking, then I tried the stationary bike and fell in love with the good sweat it worked up for me. Then I decided to mix things up with cycling for 45 minutes, then fast walking on an incline for 30 minutes. Now I'm cycling to warm up for 15 minutes, then getting into a medium paced jog for 2-3 miles on the treadmill.

I mixed it up with a bit of yoga to break the cardio boredom after a few weeks.

On some days I worked out twice a day. It proved to be awesome when it came to shedding pounds, but I felt very tired at the end of the day. I learned I need to eat small frequent meals during the 2 workout session days.

Weight wise, I've lost about 12 pounds. My clothes fit comfortably now and are not too tight. I'm happy to say I can get into shorts I wore before getting pregnant with Ben 2 summers ago.

Energy level has soared compared to where it used to be for me. I go on walks with the kids whenever I can. I move faster around the house when doing chores. I jogged a mile around my neighborhood a few weeks ago which always took me forever to do, but this time, I was able to warm up, jog the mile and cool down within 25 minutes (I warm up for a long time cause jogging/running just isn't second nature to me right off the bat).

Nutrition - I discovered the following salad: tomato, cucumber, basil, red onion, a little bit of extra virgin olive oil and a bit of kosher salt with fresh mozz. cheese! Yummy! Add grilled chicken and you've got a complete meal! The basil adds so much flavor. This is a good alternative to the regular green leafy boring salads and avoiding tons of calorie filled salad dressing.

I can also have the 'sometimes' food now without too harsh a consequence. My metabolism has kicked in (I couldn't believe I actually had one).

The one thing left to do is my pulmonary test which I scheduled, then completely forgot about this past Sunday. I need to schedule that in again before the Florida trip so that I can have my results. I'll be taking my workout stuff on the trip so I can continue my progress and see where I end up. I'd like to get to a 10 minute mile...nothing too lofty or out there.

OUT of shape

2009-03-23T11:47:00.003-05:00

We have a road trip to Florida coming up in May.
I am really looking forward to it as it will test our boys' ability to travel long distances in the car without driving the parents and gomoh nuts.

Really, I'm not afraid to endure the slings and arrows of kid tantrums, and gas station poopy diaper changes (we've already done this with Jack - shady, tiny, smelly gas station in Florida on a hot, humid day). Diapers get changed and then it's over. Tantrums come and then they go (with the help of lollipops).

What I'm really afraid of is not being able to look at myself in the mirror a few weeks from now (I think it's down to eight now) and be happy with the way I look. I am terribly out of shape. I look at myself sideways and I look about 5-6 months pregnant. It's sad really considering Ben is 9 months old. I still have one pair of maternity jeans I keep as a safety net (which is quite often these days).

I can physically FEEL the extra weight on me and what it's done to my mobility, mood, and mental state.

Mobility - I'm not as limber, or as quick as I used to be. It takes an extra 4-7 seconds to get up onto my feel from a sitting position from my livingroom floor. My feet hurt after a considerable walk because there's more weight being distributed. My shoe size has not changed, so basically my feet are trying to support someome who is 50 pounds heavier. Gads. My stomach gets in the way when I tie my gym shoes, put on socks, or when I bend over to pick up toys from the floor. I feel my face turning red.

Mood - it makes me feel lazy when I'm this fat. 'Nuff said.

Mental State - I've been calculating how much weight would be possible to take off safely in eight weeks. It's depressing how slow weight loss can be. I've been working at the gym at the office and I've not made any progress relative to numbers. I realized that age is a factor in how quickly I can shed pounds/fat now. When I was in my 20's I could shed mind boggling amount of weight in a week's time. My body seems to be working against me now.

We were at the playground near my house over the weekend. I was on the see-saw for only a few minutes. My quads hurt. Sigh. Then I was sore all weekend long. Sigh.

Hello

2009-03-21T22:49:00.003-05:00

I don't care how bloated or dishevelled I look in this photo....my boys are handsome!

I caved

2009-01-16T23:19:00.001-06:00

I joined facebook...I think I am probably one of the last people to join this 'cult' but I did it.

I kept getting 'pinged' by 'friends'.

So now I have facebook AND this blog. Feels ridiculously excessive.

Still Broken

2009-01-13T13:51:00.002-06:00

I am not feeling better.

Last night, I had such a coughing fit that I threw up....I don't think I will ever feel the same about brownies ever again.

This morning, after having called my boss to tell him I am taking a sick day, I went back to my doctor's office. This time, I got steroids, another inhaler, and was advised to continue with the codeine/cough suppressant. I was also sent over to the diagnostic test center for a chest x-ray.

They don't know what is wrong with me and why I keep coughing like I do. With exception of a slight wheez they heard around the upper right part of my chest, my lungs sounded clear.

Lots of possibilities were talked about....bronchitis (viral which means there are no meds to help me), whooping cough, and even asthma.

I don't care what this is....I just want the meds to kick in quick and make me feel better.

Though I don't have a fever, my body aches, and my head, chest, and throat hurts every time I have to cough.

I don't want to take my inhaler....because I have to breathe in deep when I use it, it only makes me want to cough even more.

REALLY Broken

2009-01-08T22:03:00.002-06:00

Saw the doctor today....it's either something called walking pneumonia or bronchitis....she was leaning more towards bronchitis....here are the meds I'm on...

Inhaler - medicine for airways/chest
Antibiotic - to rid of whatever is lingering in my system
Codeine - to knock me out for the night so I can sleep and get some rest

I hope it works.

Broken - Needs Repair

2009-01-03T23:33:00.002-06:00

I am breaking down. Finally, time, along with the wear and tear of every day life has caught up with me....well, I shouldn't say finally...it's been chasing me for a while now and is now hot on my heels and I can no longer ignore the fatigue my body feels.

I've been coughing since Thanksgiving....again. It came with a cold I caught, then lingered, then faded long enough for me to get my hopes up only to return with annoyance equal to someone having scheduled a 4:30pm work meeting on a Friday...and I can go on about the weirdos who do this but that will have to be another post...I don't exactly have the time or the emotional stamina needed to delve into THAT annoyance just right now.

Right now, my chest and throat are soar from coughing, my right arm swollen and achy all the way up to the right side of my neck, my nose is runny and dry at the same time, and my left lymph node under my jaw is swollen and soar...I also have 5 large zits right in this area - odd.

My joints hurt when I try to get up after I'd been sitting on the couch or the kitchen chair for 15 minutes or longer. My feet throb and feel hot at the end of the day - it keeps me from falling asleep in bed some nights. And speaking of sleeping in a bed....I've resigned to sleeping on the air mattress so as not to wake Alex or Ben during the middle of the night. As a result, my back and neck hurt form sleeping on an air mattress.

I'm puffy - I'm not sure why.

The bones in my hand feel stiff and slow to react. I'm constantly dropping things, bumping into things or knocking things over with my now clumsy hands.

Maybe I've reached the human equivalent of 100,000 miles on a car....and having had infrequent oil changes and tune ups, the other gears in my body are starting to revolt.

Christmas List 2009

2008-11-28T09:33:00.002-06:00

I've been asked to post a wish list for Christmas this year....

1) One day of the following: no dirty dishes in the sink all day (at any time including dirty bottles), no laundry in the washer needing to be moved to the dryer, no laundry in the dryer needing to be taken out and folded and put away, breakfast, lunch and dinner already planned and made by someone else, no clutter all day long, not having to pick up after anyone all day, having garbage taken out without having to ask, to be able to hang out with the boys and not do any house work all day long.

2) Donation of foods/goods to the local charity/shelter/Good Will

3) Foot massage

4) 2 hours for myself

5) Jack to say Merry Christmas

6) Ben to rollover/sit up on his own

7) Lots and lots of my mom's awesome Korean food

8) Bigger House

9) Snoreless Night's Sleep

10) Dance Party with the boys (w/ lots of Wany's Chex Mix)

Shorts

2008-11-05T21:01:00.002-06:00

I'm so tired. Ben continues to get up in the middle of the night to eat. When will this end? I hope soon.....very soon!

I'm too tired to write anything else.

I Wear the Pants!

2008-10-15T21:17:00.004-05:00

I have suspected it all along....

Alex is the wife and I am the husband. We are the opposite.

We took a test and it confirmed my suspicions. Alex found this test somewhere on line during work (though he constantly complains about having so much work to do he manages to find time for self assessment tests). It tests quite a bit of things which are designed to determine right or left brain hemisphere dominance.

Alex's score fell JUST short of the average woman's score and my score fell JUST short of the average man's score. I am systematic, a linear thinker, logical and not at all very empathetic like the average woman.

I have taken/been through other assessments of this kind which all point in this same direction...I like process, logic, rules, data, strategy...etc.

But I think this is exactly why Alex and I are married...together we make the perfect, balanced person.

Heard Recently

2008-09-18T21:41:00.002-05:00

Some funny/interesting things I heard recently:

Little Nut Brown Hare

"a cat could do this job!"

I'm a professional

It's rooooooined!

Game over! Game over!

That is the ugliest guy I've ever seen

Bank of America used their depositor's funds as collateral for their recent purchase of Merrill Lynch - and the gov't allows it.

Is water magnetic?

Was that you or Ben?

Last Instruction

2008-08-25T23:34:00.003-05:00

My husband recently blogged about a last letter (related to wills).
I however, will not have a list for the boys. My only instruction for them will be this:

ALWAYS listen to your father with respect at all times....then think about what your mother would do, and act on THAT.

He Doesn't Believe Me

2008-08-25T21:01:00.004-05:00

I am not a big fan of tolerance or suffering on behalf of anyone or any thing.

We've only had two kids in the house for three months and I am already dreaming about a vacation of our own - just me and Alex - no kids, no diapers, no potty training, no bottles, and certainly being able to eat a hot meal the minute it is served without having to wipe someone's hands or face every two minutes or picking up something from the floor.

I told Alex as much, but he seems to be under the impression I am dreaming of such a vacation from the kids because this is the 'hard' time (as he calls it) and because I am still relatively new to having two kids in the house.

What my dear husband doesn't realize is that I am totally and completely being serious about wanting a vacation. He said it would be five years from now before we could even think about taking a vacation alone.

Five years from now the boys will be old enough where I will WANT to take them on vacation with me so that they can share in the experience. But right now, when their world is still somewhat smaller and limited due to their age, I'd like to set my feet down in a different place just for a while - alone.

I'd just need 3-4 days. He said we'd be lucky to get 2 days. Maybe he's right. Maybe from this point on it is useless to dream of such luxuries. Maybe I'm stupid for even thinking it could be possible.

I feel an immense pressure to act and think what is expected of me as a 'mother'.
But who wrote THAT book? And must I follow that? Does motherhood mean not wanting a vacation from the kids - ever? And does that mean I am a bad mother or evil becuase I thought it? What's the ettiquette for that? What is the proper amount of time that is deemed proper for a mother to voice that she would like a vacation from the kids without fear of judgment?

Does anyone read anymore?

2008-08-21T22:20:00.000-05:00

This is my attempt to see how many (if any) people actually visit my blog and identify who they are.

I have been suspecting all along that no one really reads/visits my blog anymore so I shall test this.

If you have visited and read my blogs, please leave comment.

...now to see how long it takes to get a response - if any.

If no one is reading/visiting my blog, I might as well write what I really think, right? :-)

I love my boys....really, I do!

2008-08-19T23:27:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I still can't believe it. I am a mother of two.
It seems like just yesterday when Alex and I moved into this house we're in now - just the two of us, trying out new recipes, kicking back and watching all our favorite shows, having time to blog, sleeping through the night...and weekends were just more hours to fill with movies, seeing our friends, running errands, and oh yeah...sleeping in!

I dream about those days now and wonder why we didn't get more done!

These days, I'm lucky if I get a shower in during the day and Alex is lucky if he gets to watch one of his favorite shows on TV. We both have talked about what it would be like if we could just have one weekend, one day without the boys, where we could just sleep in...then we asked ourselves, would we be able to sleep past 6 or 7am on a Saturday? Would we automatically wake up during those hours anyways just as Jack has trained us to do?

When it was just Jack, Alex and I would ask ourselves from time to time "what in the world did we ever do with our time before we had Jack? This is so much fun!"

Now that we have two, Alex and I have asked ourselves "what would we do if we had just one day to ourselves?"

Don't get me wrong - we love our boys and having two kids was definitely what we wanted all along. We just never realized how much harder managing two kids 21 months apart would be in a tiny two bedroom condo.

Initially I rejected the hardship and kept wondering why Ben wouldn't sleep well like Jack did eight weeks into life and why the house was a mess on a daily basis, and why we were spending so much on groceries every week.

But now I think I am a point where I have resigned to the fact that I will never get enough sleep, weekend shopping excursions will be limited to Jewel and Target, and the house will not be clean or contain unstained, neat, unbroken things for at least the next 18 years.

My OCD (my needs) will just have to wait the next two decades while we try to raise two beautiful boys.

Sun Burn and Other Happenings

2008-07-31T22:28:00.002-05:00

Got sun burn while detailing the cars Tuesday afternoon. I didn't think I'd be out there THAT long, so I didn't bother to even thing about sunscreen. That was a mistake. It was painful yesterday, it is now itchy today. Sigh. It wouldn't be half as bad if I'd just gotten a normal looking burn, but no....I have this weird sports bra and tank top pattern on my back now and for the rest of the Summer. Sigh...sigh.

Sam left today back for Florida. We miss her already. Alex really misses having a family member around the house for an extended period of time....so now I wonder what his wife and kids are to him? Are we not family too? Just kidding. I know what he means. I am fortunate that I live very close to my family (though sometimes I wish I didn't) but Alex does not have such luxuries as those he grew up sharing living space with are in Florida - far away. He really enjoyed having Sam around as did the rest of us and felt the void she left behind tonight as silence fell over the house after Jack and Ben fell asleep. I'm sure Alex misses having Sam to pick on and talk about films and comics.

We sent her home with a nice book, photos of the kids, and a gift certificate to Sephora for all the help she provided in July.

Life with Ben without the help of Sam or anyone else for that matter truly begins Monday when Alex is back at work, Jack is at daycare and I am home alone with the Ban-Ji-Man. He is an incredibly cute kid like his brother, but unlike his brother, Ben can become angry, very quickly. Oh, and also, he does not like to sleep. Sigh.

I am feeling better nowadays though....much less frazzled. I think I had too much going on all at the same time and became stressed out. Now that the stressful moments are over, I am feeling more level headed and used to having a newborn in the house again. I am not sure why I expected things to be orderly and systematic.

I got my hair cut short. It's an angled bob, or an inverted bob as Sam called it. Whatever it is, I love it. It's short in the back and longer in the front so it still gives the illusion of having length without the long length which would have been too much for me to take care of had I left my hair long.

My back is itchy but I cannot scratch it...the burn still hurts. Gads!

6 weeks

2008-07-17T10:29:00.002-05:00

Officially 6 weeks post partum. My check up went well. I am back to normal and little by little, I can start getting back to normal things. Lifting Jack, however, still makes my incision area achy and sore so I have to still take it easy with him. Otherwise, I plan on taking daily walks and even try my hand at getting back to jogging again though I'm not sure how I'll get this accomplished once Sammie goes back to Florida. Hmmm. Must think about this some more. I may have to resort to jogging at night after Jack goes to bed while Alex watches Ben.

Nights and days are still mixed up for the B-man. Trying to fix it starting today by waking him up every 3 hours after he dozes off. He has his bigger chunks of sleep during the day time, but during the night, he promptly gets up every 2-3 hours to eat or just fuss. Sigh. I am very tired.

Need to think about budgeting what remains of our savings account till I return back to work. Need to go grocery shopping too for some odds and ends here and there.

I am thinking about putting an end to pumping. I don't get much as it is right now and if Ben is indeed allergic to lactose, wouldn't he be allergic to the lactose that's in breast milk anyways?

Alex goes in for surgery Monday. He is worried. Because he's been so very healthy all his life (despite his history of high blood pressure and bad cholesterol - it runs in his family)he is quite nervous about going under the knife.

Logically, he knows there is nothing to be afraid of. In reality, it still scares him to death to go under for his irrational fear of not being able to come back out of it. Unfounded fear? Yes, but I guess I would feel/be the same way if I were in his position.

Okay, gotta go now...eat lunch, then look up some stuff about breastmilk allergies.

I have a date!

2008-07-09T17:27:00.002-05:00

Yes, it's true! I have a date this Friday and it is not with my husband. Gasp!
No worries or gossip to be had here....I am meeting a couple of my female coworkers from the office.

Our department has recently had a re-org. so I'm sure there will be plenty of things to discuss related to the change as well as other gossip that I've missed out on since 6/6.

I am glad to be out of the house every now and then as it helps keep my sanity. I am so terribly thankful to have my sister in law here to help me as well. I don't know what kind of mental state I'd be in if it weren't for her help and company.

Anyway, just wanted to note that I am in much better mood since my last post. I think it's because I'm actually getting things done around the house, am able to check my work email, and I've actually started making a list of things I'd like to do or get done this month. Yes, the planning Taylor is back! Woo hoo! Today I dumped all of Ben's feeding times and amounts into .xls format. I needed to do something like that (I know for most of you this isn't exciting). I think Ben is trying to develop a pattern of sleep and wakefulness. I'm beginning to feel more and more like myself again.

Okay, the B-man awakes. Gotta go change his diaper and get him fed on schedule.

Inadequate

2008-07-07T19:51:00.002-05:00

Breast feeding is not going anywhere. Ben absolutely refuses to nurse 90% of the time and when he does decide to nurse, it's as a last resort and only on one side. I have all but given up on the hopes that he will ever breast feed.

Pumping hasn't been that much more successful either. Ben is a very needy baby and therefore I do not always get to pump at a 2 hour cycle every day. With my sister in law here to help, I assumed I would not have this problem but I can't pump and leave the bottle feeding to Sam all the time. I feel I'd be neglecting Ben in my motherly duties if Sam took care of the bottle feedings 6 times out of the 8-12 in a 24 hour period. I don't know. Maybe it's not such a bad thing. I don't know.

Emotionally I feel like a wreck. I'm feeling okay about things one minute and the next I feel like my life is utterly out of control. I hate feeling out of control.

I feel like I'm not being a good mother to Ben. When Ben is not sleeping or eating he is crying....I mean all the time! I can count on one had the few times when he's been awake, just alert and gazing at things or faces without crying bloody murder! I'm fearful that he has what I'm beginning to think is 24-7 colic. It's not just certain times of the day, or night. It's all day, all night. If he's not feeding he's crying. I don't remember Jack being so fussy.

At times I get angry about the crying, but I know it's irrational and that's what babies do, they cry. I tell this to myself until someone (friends or family) come over and see first had what I'm talking about when I complain about the crying.

I know every baby is different, and right now I feel totally unable to console or care for Ben. I don't know what he needs, I don't know how to console him. Maybe I'm not spenidng enough time with him. Maybe I don't play with him enough. Maybe he's complaining because he needs face time - my face. But I am so tired.

He feeds every 2-3 hours and trying to get him on a schedule seems less than impossible.

He needed a bath today, but I don't want to give him one as he will most certainly start crying. Whenever I walk into a room he starts to cry. He hates me.

Jack is crying in his room right now. It is past his bedtime. I don't know why he is crying. I hope he goes back to bed.

I have to pee and right now I'm blogging instead of peeing. Why? Because I need an outlet, to vent. I feel I need to vent more this time around than I did with Jack. I feel horrible. All the best laid plans have crumbled before me and I'm having to work with what is left to me.

I need to pee, then take my mom to my sister house now. She had an endoscopy today. I realized a lot of things about my mom today, but mostly that I love her very much and I need to take better care of her.

That's my stress right now...I want to take care of everyone and everything and I feel I am not equipped for such a duty.

2008-07-03T21:09:00.002-05:00

It's been 4 weeks since the birth of my second son, Ben.

He is a beautiful baby. He is a hungry baby. He is a I want play and look at faces baby. He is also pretty good about getting up several times at night for long feedings.

I've had to adjust my way of thinking. At first I was nothing but annoyed by the fact that Ben would wake up every two hours to feed. His feeding sessions would last anywhere between what seemed like 15 minutes to 15 hours! I guess it's because it was the middle of the night that it felt longer. But there were many nights I'd look at the clock and see that he'd been eating his 4 oz bottle for the past hour.

Then there were nights he was so gassy and fussy that he slept no more than 40 minutes at a time. Poor kid. But he's a champion burper (thanks to his dad) and pooper (also thanks to his dad). He has had no problem gaining weight or growing. He's very strong too. He's already lifting his head and moving from side to side.

There were times I thought I was going to lose my mind during the middle of the night. There were times I shed a few tears as well...blame it on hormones or the fact that I'd totally forgotten that it must have been like this with Jack as well.

Maybe I didn't mind as much with Jack just cause he was one baby and our first, so I think my nerves and my OCD kicked in to block out the reality of being sleep deprived and unshowered for days on end and not having eaten.

Also with Jack, I didn't pump breast milk, so I had plenty of coffee to sustain me through the hours. Not so with Ben. But I keep thinking about the benefits Ben will have received from breast milk. I am hoping Ben will not get ear infections like Jack. I am hoping he will be able to stave off the common cold when he is at daycare.

My sister-in-law, Samantha is here to help me for a month which is totally appreciated! She has already helped tons by cleaning the many bottles Ben goes through. I am afraid I will have been spoiled rotten by the time she leaves. Sigh.

However I find that there are still many things that keep me busy during the day...laundry, what to do about lunch, dinner, snacks, did I pump on schedule? Have I showered? Should I make more seaweed soup? Yes, I think I shall. In fact, that is what I'm going to do now. I love that stuff and it's supposed to be good for milk production. Oh, that's another thing I need to find out, what foods will cause the least amount of gas for Ben in breast milk. Sigh. So many things to do!

Week 3

2008-06-23T12:42:00.003-05:00

I am surrounded by breast pump accessories, bottles, bottle brushes, diapers, onesies, socks, and more diapers.

Life with Ben so far as been as expected and then not so expected. I knew being with a newborn again was going to be tough...sleepless nights were a must and frequent diapers changes and adhering to Ben's schedule was expected.

What I did not expect was the intensity of fatigue and the marathon pace the 2nd time around would be.

Like most first time 2nd time parents, I thought it would be easier, calmer, less frantic because we'd gone through all the craziness before. What I did not take into calculation was that before, it was just one baby and us.

This time around, not only do we have a newborn to contend with, but with a very active toddler.

We are doing our best to make sure Jack does not feel neglected in any way. He had Grandma, Grannie and Granpa to occupy him the past two weeks and he enjoyed every minute of it. Jack has been very good about being around Ben as well. He kisses Ben on the head, arm, and hand whenever he can, and says good-morning to him every day.

I have also been fortunate that Ben is not a screamer, and Jack doesn't seem to be bothered by the cries when there is noise, so I am very thankful for that. I hope Ben stays this way...Jack wasn't a loud baby either, so if Ben stays on course, this means we have another easy going baby in Ben.

I try to get showers whenever I can just so that I still feel a part of the world. Something happens to a person when they hang out in pajamas, or in my case nursing gown 24-7. One day seems to melt right into the next and you don't feel productive, even though you're pumping, feeding, changing, burping, cooking, cleaning...etc.

Oh, and that's another thing. I will definitely appreciate Sam's help when she is here next week. I need all the help I can get washing bottles, planning meals, keeping the house clean - though people including Alex, have told me not to worry about the housework so much and that keeping a house clean with a 21 month old and a newborn is impossible anyway.

For me, cleaning the house is keep my sanity and peace of mind. I can't live in a space that is unorganized and sloppy, for me, it just adds stress, especially since our space is limited to about 800 square feet total. Gads.

We hope my mother's place will sell quickly so our family can move onto a bigger place where Ben has a room of his own and does not have to room with mommy and daddy in the near future.

I have to call the breastfeeding hotline today but have not had a chance to all day yet (it is now 2pm). I will have to wait till the next time Ben is down for a nap to make that call. He has a sever case of nipple confusion. He hates the breast. Sigh. But I continue to pump with my newly purchased breast pump which I might add works better than the hospital grade pump we rented for two weeks.

Okay, Ben is getting restless, need to tend to the Banji-Mon.

Nesting?

2008-06-02T23:37:00.003-05:00

The home improvements are almost done....just a couple more things to do and then we'll be done for the Summer...well, the year actually.

I am glad it's coming to an end as it means Alex and I will no longer have to take advantage of my brother-in-laws expertise in home improvements. Without Jae, I don't think we could have made any of the improvements around the house correctly.

My sister is very lucky to have married to such a handy guy! Don't get me wrong, Alex knows how to fix things here and there too, but they are mostly internet/software based and only to a certain degree.

Jae single handedly remodeled his entire kitchen on his own.

We have learned a lot from this experience.

1) pay the extra $100 to have new fridge installed by someone else instead of enlisting the help of your brother-in-law at the last minute.

2) measure depth, width of new fridge from the quarter round point, not where the wall starts less you plan on removing said quarter round and base board to fit the new fridge.

3) pay the extra $100 to have new fridge installed by someone else instead of enlisting the hlep of your borther-in-law at the last minute....did I already mention this?

When we are ready to move from this place, I believe we will be hiring professional movers to do the hard work instead of trying to do it ourselves. We just have way too much stuff now than ever.

But our place really did need all the upgrades we made this Summer - it'll prove to be a good return on our investment.

So what is left? A new stove for my mom's place, a new water heater and bathroom flooring for our place which will be done when the Florida Maidys are in town for Ben's arrival.

Chocolate Spiral

2008-05-28T21:56:00.004-05:00

I am a glutant. I am ashamed. I am terribly weak and it's all Alex's fault.

Alex's office decided to bring in cake and present a Target gift card to him today at work in prep. for Ben's arrival. It was a very, very, very sweet thing to do for us and we are terribly greatful. The Target card will buy one of many diaper packages we'll be using this Summer.

But the problem with this kind gesture is the cake. I love cake. But I cannot have cake! But I ate cake...actually, I dug into what was left over of the cake with my fork like some crack addict on a binge.

I'm positive the synapses in my brain became excited the second my eyes saw the cake Alex walked into the house with....now mind you, it was not his idea to bring the cake home. I'd asked him to bring me back a slice....A SLICE! But in walks Alex with half a cake! What is a girl supposed to do?

While he was walking over to the kitchen counter to set the cake down I'd already begun to imagine what the frosting would taste like....chocolate frosting, the sickeningly sweet smell of thick, gooey chocolate frosting sitting atop the chocolate and vanilla cake - yes, it was calling out to me, I recognized the familiar sound of chocolatey goodness calling out to me.

Immediately I began to think about when I would steal a ginormous portion of this cake without Jack or Alex catching me in the act. Luckily, it was Jack's bath night. Yes, I would indulge, become the glutant I'd been forced to hide for the past three weeks due to my GD while Alex was bathing Jack.

So what the heck was Alex waiting for? Why wasn't he taking Jack into the bath? Cold sweat began forming down my back. It was all I could do to feign interest in whatever the heck Alex was saying to me at that moment. In fact, I do not recall exactly what happened after he walked in with the cake to when he and Jack disappeared behind the bathroom door for the bath. It's all a blur.

Jack walked back and forth with his choo-choo, babbling something about Gordon and a doggy. Why was this dirty kid still out here trying to hold a conversation with me when there was cake to be had?

Finally, an Ah-Ha! moment. I thought of a way to get the two of them out of my way.

"Jack's diaper is full, so we need to change him now and put him in shorts, or just take it off and get him ready for his bath." I said as calmly as possible.

"Okay...you heard mommy, it's bath time!"

I'm sure Alex knew all along what I was up to, he knows me too well. The two of them eventually headed into the bathroom and I was left alone with THE CAKE.

At first, despite my desire, I took the smallest bit of cake, taking care not to have too much frosting on it if you can believe that. I mean there I was, I'd waited an agonizing 20 minutes before I was all alone with the cake and all I can do is take a tiny bite? But that's what I did. I must have believed I have super human powers or something.

Once the tiny bite entered my mouth there was no turning back. It was like eating Cool Whip all your life and one day you are served real whipped cream, fresh whipped cream, straight from the mixer, creamy and thick, so smooth and buttery.

My taste buds jumped for joy, my stomach cried out for more. I knew I shouldn't, but I did...I DIG into the center of the cake and rake out a gigantic mouthful of cake. I shove all of it in my mouth. I'm not even sure at this point where I am or who I am. I am just in love with this cake.

Well, I've already ruined my blood sugar level, there's no going back now, so I dig in for another mouthful of cake, then another, then another, then another. Whatever heaven was, this had to be it (or hell for doing something so bad that felt so good). Oh glorious chocolate! If I'd had a pitch fork I'd have used it to shove the entire thing in my big fat face.

Alas, as with all good things, even chocolate must come to an end. Mine came to an end when my legs started cramping up - this happens when I've been standing still in one position too long. Also, Ben started kicking me. And like that, as if waking from a beautiful dream my eye lids fluttered, the fork still in my mouth, and my hand still clutching the side of my cake platter.

It was nice for a while, but now I had to stop. My thoughts raced back to Ben and how his health must come first before chocolate. I put the fork down, released the cake platter and resumed making Jack's dinner.

I heard the bathroom door open and out walked Alex and Jack from the bath.

Hello, my name is Taylor, and I'm a chocoholic.

Cat Naps

2008-05-28T21:45:00.003-05:00

I have begun to fall asleep on the couch promptly at 7:30pm these past few nights. Then I wake up around 9pm to find the the kitchen table cleared of dinner, the sink empty of dirty dishes, and Jack toys neatly piled/put away. I guess this is what Alex does while I'm napping.

The other day he mentioned that I started snoring. Yes, I can believe that. Pregnancy makes your nose congested, and being in the late late stage of pregnancy now, I'm more fatigued than ever, so snoring would be a natural thing to do.

Tonight, I woke up to the sound of screaming in the middle of my nap. Alex was indulging in his zombie fettish by watching 28 weeks later. Sigh. I have no idea why zombie movies appeal to him, but he's been working so hard around the house, at work, and just looking after Jack lately that I could not ask him to change the channel.

I have been cranky, grouchy, mean, and moody lately....even more so than usual. I don't know how much longer Alex will tolerate this.

Baby Update

2008-05-27T15:35:00.003-05:00

Still no baby....but I'm being warned by my doctor's office that it could be any day now. I am officially 37 weeks, which means I am official considered full term. This means Ben is fully developed and will have no trouble breathing and being on his own if he were to be born from this point on.

And I really wish he would come out soon. I am getting bigger and heavier by the minute it seems.

Yesterday we had a very nice warm day and my ankles swelled up to the size of small oranges. It was uncomfortable to say the least. I see people looking at me like, 'Oh my gosh, when are you due? You poor thing, you must be so uncomfortable!' and at first I appreciate their sympothy...then the reality of how big I must seem sets in. Wow, so I must look like a blimp.

A well meaning Taco Bell drive up employee recently commented on how big I was. I don't think she had any clue in ettiquettes or the what the scowl on my face meant as she kept mentioning how big I was. I wanted to deck her! I wanted to say things I could not say in front of the Fudge.

Of course Alex knew exactly what I was thinking and felt because the minute the Taco Bell girl opened her mouth he turned right to me with a question on his face...."so are you going to kill her? And if so, how? Just let me know so I can get out of your way."

I can't help that Alex was the size of a 4 month old baby the day he was born (he was over 9 pounds - my poor, poor mother-in-law!). I can't help that I am vertically challenged.

I look like a pregnant tomoato on toothpicks. And to make things worse, I cannot even eat the things I want which most women take for granted in late pregnancy. I have this stupid GD to deal with.

Sitting is not comfortable for me any more. The sheer weight of Ben is cutting off circulation to my legs. I must recline, or lay side ways to get relief....then I fall asleep.

I am almost 3cm dilated, and the baby's head has dropped considerably. I think my body can sense the closeness of Ben's arrival. I want to take 10 cat naps a day and don't really have the energy to do much else. The pain in my pelvis makes walking, sitting, standing, or even turning over in my bed painful/uncomfortable.

This is the last one. If I have another one, the chances of developing GD rises considerably. Also, I am too damn old to go through this again. This is the last one. So unless we win the lotto or Alex lands a gig as a highly compensated corporate executive and I can stay at home and hire a nanny to watch the kids and serve me, I am not doing this again.

I've heard the 3rd one throws parents over the edge....well of course it does....you're out numbered by the time you have three! It's a numbers game. Duh.

Forgetful Jones

2008-05-15T12:34:00.002-05:00

Wow, can I just say that I almost created the worst kind of drama for myself today? It was a mistake of such grandness and idiocy that if I were Alex I would have sent me straight to to the 'Dumbest Person Alive' hall of fame.

I'm not sure if the mistake happened because I've got water on the brain or just because I felt so flustered and out of control yesterday. All I know is that I've reached an all time level of short attention/memory span.

We had new flooring put in last night. The house as you can imagine was in disarray - in fact, it still needs finishing up.

We'd hoped by the time Alex had picked up Jack from daycare and returned home the flooring guys would be done. This was not the case. They were still working on our bedroom when Alex came home with the Fudge.

Not wanting any injuries and needless interference, I took Jack over to my sister's house while the guys finished up the bedroom.

The minute I drove into Wany's driveway I realized I had not brought Jack's diaper bag. I panic. I am angry. Why can't Alex remember everything FOR me? Jeez!

But the diaper bag wasn't the mistake I post about. The missing diaper bag is nothing compared to what I did when Jack and I returned home.

Per usual, Jack fell asleep in the car on the ride home. When I drove up to the driveway, he was sound asleep, so I decided to try my best to transport him from the car to his crib as quietly as possible.

It didn't work. As soon as I opened his side of the car door he opened his eyes and was more than half awake. Despite his alertness, I grabbed him quickly from the car seat and carried him into the house.

As soon as Jack saw the transformation of the house he didn't even remember he was asleep just a few minutes ago. He wanted to explore and quite frankly, so did I. I checked out the finished bedroom and kitchen and inside the closets.

Now if you've been keeping up with Jack's blog, you know that I have recently been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Primarily, this means I get to eat meat and veggies only for the remainder of my pregnancy - no sweets what so ever. And I also have to test my blood sugar 4 times a day, once in the morning before I eat, and 2 hours after breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I could not locate my blood sugar tester this morning. Then I remembered it was in my purse. Where the heck was my purse? Oh, I left it in the car...the unlocked car...THE CAR I LEFT RUNNING SINCE LAST NIGHT! (place Psycho theme here)

Alex quickly ran out to the car. The gas had run out (I had less than a quarter of a tank left when I got home the night before) and the battery had died. Alex said it was making a funny clicking noise. Alex also said other things which made me afraid I had killed the car.

What had I done? Woe is me! Was I insane? How could I have forgotten the car the was left on?! What kind of idiot leaves the car on, unlocked with her purse inside it? Someone could have stolen the purse, the car, come into the house and burglarized us if they wanted to! I could have killed the car and Jack and Ben would have to ride in a red wagon while mom or dad pushed to daycare instead of being comfortably seated in the minivan, buckled up nice and safe.

Even Jack looked at me with eyes that clearly asked, "what in the world were you thinking, Mom? How could you forget? Even I know you turn the car off when you're not using it." Then he took another spoonful of his oatmeal.

Fortunately, with a little gas and a jump from the Avalon, the van was back to normal and running well.

I had to have Alex repeat at least 4 times what I was supposed to do after her left for work...."leave it running for 20-25 minutes....then turn the car off and on again. If that works, take the car to a gas station and fill up....then take it for a short trip somewhere to keep it running."

I would not have been as calm or gracious as Alex was to me. I would have bitten his head off after screaming all sorts of profanities at him. But I guess that is why I'm married to him...to remind me every so often that even the 'better' half (as I'd like to think of myslef) makes terrible mistakes.

2008-04-19T21:54:00.002-05:00

Yes, it's been a while since I last posted but there's been lots going on....also I've just been darn too tired.

I think January was the last time I remeber feeling comfortable in my own skin. Starting in February, my body started breaking down on me. I guess with 2nd pregnancies, the body starts creaking and expanding much earlier. I feel like I'm carrying three bowling balls! But my doctor assures me there is only one baby inside and he is as happy as could be.

Still, I wish I were able to physically do more and feel better than I am feeling now. Jack is at such a wonderful age right now where he's picking up so much and wants to interact and play with mommy and daddy so much I feel bad when I can't pick him up when he asks to be picked up.

Here's a list of my complaints at the moment (6/17 cannot come soon enough!):

Very full belly - poeple at work keep asking when I'm due expecting an answer to be sometime in the next 3-4 weeks - they are shocked when I tell them I have another 8 weeks to go.

Sciatica - my butt radiates with pain, then down the back of my leg

General soreness and stiffness - getting up from my office chair, getting out of bed to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, or simply getting in and out of the car has been a test of will and endurance.

Fatigue and forgetfullness - the fatigue set back in as soon as I started the 3rd trimester. The forgetfullness has been every lasting this time around. I use strange phrasing, mix words or forget them altogether.

Clothes - items I wore during month 9 with Jack I can't even fit into as I head into month 8 with Ben.

Sickness - I have had 5 colds, one right after the other in some cases since being preggers with Ben. I have also acquired a lovely dry cough during the process. It's been 5 weeks since our family caught the nasty strain of flu and I'm the only one still coughing.

Swelling - the temperature reached 65 today. My fingers, calves, and feet swelled up.

It's HOT! I do not sleep with covers over me. I sleep in a tank top and shorts. This is quite strange as I'm usually over dressed for sleep as I tend to be cold. The temperature seems to bother me more this time than last.

At least there is one constant - Alex has been as helpful as ever doing what he can from house work to looking after Jack. I'm very appreciative and hope I can begin pitching in again after Ben is born. I hope for a speedy recovery so I can start helping out around the house again, as well as do some fun things with Jack this Summer.

2008

2008-01-01T20:25:00.000-06:00

The first day in the first month of the year 2008 arrived and is almost about to end.

I cannot wait to see what will unfold in 2008 - what kind of adventures, pleasant surprises, opportunity and joy will come our way? It is exciting to think about the next 12 months to come.
One thing I know for sure is that we will be welcoming a new Maidy into our lives in early June. Jack will become an older sibling. It's strange to think of Jack in that capacity - he's our little man, our baby, our Fudge.

The Maidys and the Lims spent the first day of 2008 at my mom's house. We had traditional dumpling and rice cake soup along with other delicious Korean dishes (Kalbi, beef patty, seasoned veggies, tofu, Kalbi-Jeem, and Jap-Chae). As always, my mother made too much food and I enjoyed taking down every bite.

Afterwards, we all dressed up in our traditional Korean clothes (Hanbok) and performed Se Bea to my mother. It's traditional to bow to your elders and wish them a blessed new year. It was a real production to get everyone - especially the little ones - into their Hanboks and then get them to take pictures and perform Se Bea. Lots of cohersion and coaxing was required to get them to stay in their clothes. Of course, my mother's big concern was whether or not the little ones were wearing the traditional socks that go with the Hanboks. We got some great photos of everyone though. I think my mother really enjoyed having us over and taking pictures. There's nothing she loves more than having a lap full of grand children.

New Year resolutions? I hate to even make any as I know I will break them. So this year I think I will make a 'strive for' list - here it goes:

1) Wear make-up (at the very least, lipstick/gloss)
2) Start paying attention to what I wear again
3) Drink more water
4) Wear my wedding rings - after all, Alex went through a lot of trouble to provide it.
5) Read at least one fiction book

On purpose, I decided to make the 'strive for' list me centered. In 2007 I found myself asking quite a few times 'what the heck happened to me?' and I didn't like that feeling. If I lose myself, I cannot BE myself to my family and friends.

Infirm

2007-12-20T20:17:00.000-06:00

I hate being sick.

I've been sick since Kate's birthday back in mid November and it's been non-stop fun from there on.

The on set of a soar throat, the tiredness and fatigue, the dryness in your nose, then congestion, sinus pressure and pain, the coughing for no good reason, the sleepless nights tossing and turning to get one good breath in through your one open nostril....ah, the head cold.

Eventually my chest hurts from coughing so much - no one gets much sleep as they are forced to lay awake listening to me cough, than gag, then lose my breath, then do it all over again all night long.

In the past two days I've gone through 2 boxes of tissue - and that's just at work. Alex bought me another vaporizer so that I can give myself a steam treatment. It does wonders to loosen up congestion in your head and chest. I also plan to gargle with salt water tonight so that my throat doesn't get any worse. Right now it feels raw - I am eating ice cream as anything cool seems to help.

The worst thing about being sick is that I cannot play with Jack the way I'd like. I'm hoping to feel at least 70% better by Saturday for some gingerbread house making at Wany's. I do not want to feel miserable for that.

The 2007 List

2007-11-27T20:00:00.000-06:00

Well, it was really tough putting 10 things for the list this year as the things I really want are not at all practical to put on a holiday wish list (e.g. a new house, car paid off, Jack to never catch another cold again, no day care cost, to see the Florida Maidys...etc). So below are the 10 items I came up with.....

This year's top ten things I'd like to receive for Christmas:

Pajama pants & long sleeve pajama shirts (lots and lots of X-LARGE pajama pants/shirts to get me through winter pregnancy) flannel or cotton only please.
Coach purse
Cash (what can I say, I'm Korean)
Pedicure
Digital photo frame
Box of chocolates (but these have to be really really good chocolate - no Hershey's kind of stuff, please)
Martha Stewart's Complete Guide/Book to Housekeeping
Cleaning service
Alex to get his nose fixed so he stops snoring
Jack to say 'Mommy' to me on Christmas morning

Update

2007-11-21T13:51:00.000-06:00

We have a new car - a minivan. Oh Lord, help us. The purchase was made after Alex succeeded in ruining his Stratus beyond repair.

First of all, let me say that I am very very very thankful Alex was not hurt in the car accident that ruined his car and forced us to now be a household with two car payments. I am also thankful that he does not suffer any residual aches and pains from the accident (read his blog for complete detail of accident).

I am also very thankful that the accident taught him a good lesson - there is no reason why a happily married man with a beautiful son and sick wife (suffering from OCD and control issues) should be out driving at 3am for the sake of watching a dumb movie which he would have received through NetFlix ANYWAY.

Thanksgiving - we are gathering my my sister's house again this year. I hate living in a small house. Alex and I both enjoy entertaining when we can, but in a smaller home, entertaining tends to be difficult - especially with Jack's things all over the place and no play room like at the Lim's palace. Hopefully this will change next year.

Christmas decorations will be going up this weekend. We MAY even venture out for some shopping on Black Friday...shivers. I think if anything, we'll hit target. I'm hoping to purchase a new Christmas tree - one worth having around for the next 5 years or so. Our old tree broke due to Newt constantly sleeping on the branches. Sigh.

The colder weather creates many cravings....right now I am craving spicey seafood noodle soup (Jamp-pong). Mmmmmm. Pita Inn would be nice too. Mmmmmm.....drooling.

Deep Breath

2007-09-06T20:27:00.000-05:00

I have to remember that I do not work for a company, division, business unit, department or even a manager.

I work because of Jack. He's my boss, my inspiration, my motivation, all my hopes and dreams all neatly and handsomely tied in one person.

I must remember....I work so that I can provide the best possible for Jack.

Some days I need to remember the above more than other days.....today was such day....a day I needed to remember it really hard. :-)

I must remember....to buy a lotto ticket, and win it!

Contact

2007-08-25T22:29:00.000-05:00

I am hopeless!

After many years of debate and failing eye sight, I finally decided to take the plunge and get contact lenses.

I was very nervous about putting the contacts in my eye. I should have been more nervous about getting them out.

I've ripped a total of 3 lenses so far. I've had contacts less than a week. I ripped the right lense first - they were stepped on (I thought I'd put them in the case after removing them from my right eye, but I had not - I dropped them on the bathroom floor). Then I ripped the left lense (same thing - thought I put it in the case, didn't, fell to bathroom floor). The third incident was the new left lense. I took them out, put them in the case and leaned in close to make sure the lense was in the case and not stuck to my finger or hanging on the side of the case wall when I noticed something that I thought was white debris or air bubble. It wasn't either. It was a rip.

I'm upset. Ripping your contacts is a normal thing when you first try them but three in one week? That's just a sign from God that you shouldn't wear them, or in my case, handle them.

Alex told me these things happen when you first get contacts and that it took him a couple of weeks before he got the hang of it. But here's the thing....it took him a few weeks when he was a grade schooler, just a grammer school kid! So if we were to translate that time in 'working professional' world/age that would actually be about 2-3 days!

I think I will ask for a month's worth of contacts so that I can practice for the next two weeks.

All Done!

2007-08-18T22:53:00.001-05:00

Say/think what you will, but I love cleaning. It brings me a sense of control over my surroundings.

Today, I made great efforts after Jack was put down for the night. I also like making lists, so here is a list of cleaning that ensued after Jack went 'night-night':

Kitchen floor - dry and wet Swiffered
Kitchen counter - wiped down
Bathroom floor - dry and wet Swiffered
Bathroom counter - wiped down
Toilet - wiped down and scurbbed
Bathroom sinks - wiped down and scrubbed
Freezer - organized (bad food thrown away)
Fridge - wiped down (bad food thrown away)
Dining room table - wiped down and scrubbed
Dining room chairs - wiped down and scrubbed (Jack uses chairs to lean on when scaling through the house)

Tomorrow, all that is left is vacuuming! So we can enjoy the rest of our day going out for brunch, grocery shopping and a trip to Toys R Us (Jack needs a train) without having chores left to do.

I love Sundays with Jack.

Harry Potter Done

2007-08-01T20:59:00.000-05:00

I've finished! And it only took me a little over a week or so? I cannot remember, time becomes a black hole when you have child.

Don't worry Alex, I will not give anything away!

But I will say that this is NOT one of my favorite out of the series. I'd put this as my second least favorite. I guess the logical person in me just can't buy into how things were resolved in the end.

I will say that I enjoyed the adventure of finding out anyway! Unlike my sister who bought the book (yes, she went to the midnight sale of the book) then promptly read the last 4 chapters as soon as she got home (yes, I know I know!) so that she did not have to live/read the adventure with her stomach in an anxious knot wondering what will happen next.

I am glad to have read all the books. I may even start all over again from the start just for the fun of it. I haven't felt this way about a book since readign 'The Selfish Gene' (yes, I know I know, I'm a geek!).

Go East!

2007-08-01T20:47:00.000-05:00

I got a chance to head East due to a death in the family (Alex's uncle passed away). It certainly wasn't the best of circumstances in which to head to my husband's home town, but I'm glad I got the chance to see his old stomping grounds nonetheless.

I was sitting all the way in the back of the mini-van with Jack so I could not see Alex's expression, but I could hear the excitement in his voice whenever he spotted a building, neighborhood, or street corner he recognized.

I saw the elementary school he attended, the grocery store he had his first job, the highschool he attended, the apartment complex they lived in (his mother and grandmother used to manage the building as well), China town and much more.

I began to imagine what it would be like and how I'd feel if I were to visit my childhood place....BOTH of them.....the one in Korea and the one in the south suburbs (La Grange Park).

One day, I would like to go FURTHER East and see my old house in Korea. That would be cool.

Harry Potter

2007-07-23T16:09:00.000-05:00

Got the book Saturday morning.

On page 201.

The Rent, The Snobs, and the beautiful scenery

2007-07-16T22:23:00.000-05:00

90% of people I met over the past week in California are transplants - meaning they were all born and raised elsewhere before coming to CA. I've always heard so many nice things about CA I wasn't surprised that people would naturally flock to the state for all it's sunny days and temperate climate.

However, I would NEVER live in Monterey/Salinas. If you're young, single and have no kids, you can afford to pay $2000 in rent every month and hang at the local bar (daily since there is nothing else to do there but drink). If you are retired and have a handsome retirement fund you can live there and sail, or open a local bar where all the single, young professionals can hang out all week night long.

The area we were in is all agriculture - lettuce, strawberries and the likes. California also breeds wine snobs! "Is there a note of chocolate in this bouquet?" one would hear at least once during dinner. Don't get me wrong, I like wine, but I don't presume to make a study of why I like the damn thing. I like what tastes good and if I like it enough, I might buy a bottle. I do not have the money nor the inclination to search out and join a wine tasting or wine tour purely for the sake of educating my nose to which fermented/rotten barrel of grapes could possibly house a 'note of chocolate'.

By golly if I wanted chocolate, I would have driven my butt to the nearest chocolatier, or the nearest supermarket!

Despite all sorts of issues related to travel and the wine snobs here and there, the view in Monterey is something to see. It was nice having the mountains as a back drop to your morning commute. It was interesting to see homes carved into the hillside. The last night I was there, we ate at a place called the FishHopper. The place literally stretched all the way out to the edge of the pier, and we sat surrounded by floor to celing window on three sides of us and watched an otter play in the evening fog that rolled onto the shore. We saw the sunset from Carmel beach. BEAUTIFUL.

I thought about my boys back home and wished they could have seen it with me.

Monterey Airport is a Joke!

2007-07-16T22:08:00.000-05:00

I wish businesses had a way to pay you back for time lost with one's family. I wish businesses would not make a practice of making their employees fly about during the weekend. Weekends are for family and personal life after having been enslaved by work all week long.

I was supposed to return Saturday afternoon (2:30pm) but instead returned home at 3:30am Sunday. I will NEVER again fly US Airways, or fly out of regional airports such as Monterey, CA. Our ticket agent was also the baggage claim/tag person, and gate personnel. I would not have been surprised if she was also the pilot and mechanic on a regular basis. Regional airports suck. Because they are regional airports, they do NOT have direct flights ANYWHERE! They either fly out to Phoenix or Las Vegas in order for you to catch your connecting flight elsewhere. Gads.

I will not go into the details of my horrific flight back to Chicago that started out at 5am Pacific Standard Time, but I will say that my co-workers and I ended up driving 1.75 hours from Monterey, CA to San Fransisco, CA to catch a direct flight back to Chicago.

I poured into bed when I got home. Then around 6am, just like clock work, Jack woke up. Alex brought him into see me. Even in my sleep deprived world I managed to hug and kiss my Fudgy. But he did not recognize me.

He sat there, on my side of the bed and just stared at me the way he stares at someone in the grocery store. I went back to bed for another hour or so before getting up for the rest of the day. Thankfully, this time, Jack recognized me and gave me one of his 'super' smiles.

The house was still in one piece, no one had to take a trip to the ER, and the cat was still alive, so all was well. Alex did a great job but hopefully, I will NEVER have to be out of town for that long ever again OR fly out of Monterey.

Going West

2007-07-09T13:48:00.001-05:00

I am leaving for Salinas CA today. I will not be returning home till Saturday. This means I will be without the Fudge for 5.5 days. I miss him already.

I took Jack to daycare this morning around 8am. Talked to the teachers in the infant room and let them know I would be out all week. My last image of him today - he was sitting on the floor with a ring toy of some sort watching his classmates. He did not even look my way when I said good-by to him. In a way, this is a good thing - Jack is a social child, but on the other hand, I was saddened a bit that he didn't respond to me. But then again, Jack doesn't mind me leaving as much as he minds Alex leaving.

Jack is a daddy's boy. Sigh. The two of them are thick as thieves. :-)

I don't think Jack will notice I'm not around till about day 3...."Hey, where's the other big kid around here?"

I wonder how long it will be before I break down in tears. I've been on a business trip before, but that was a one nighter - left on Wednesday, came back Thursday.

Wish me luck.

7-2-07

2007-07-02T20:41:00.000-05:00

I have not posted since 6/18. Dang...that's a long time.

Hair status - hair has grown, but not long enough to undue the nasty mom 'do' just yet. I figure by Jack's 1st birthday, things should be right with the world again. Sigh.

Job - got a new one. Just got system access today. I'm not complaining though....I kind of like having a few slower days before things get really busy at work.

4th of July - first one I'll be spending without taking any other day off. It's weird this year...on a Wednesday. Will not be attending any fire works as they will take place after Jack's bedtime. We are in the process of maybe attending a parade during the day time hours.

Sun burned my arms during the drive home from work today. Good grief.

Mom vs. Dad

2007-06-18T10:53:00.000-05:00

Mother's Day and Father's Day are quite different.

On Mother's Day, mother's spend as much time possible relaxing and trying not to lift a finger. On Father's Day, the 3 Chicago Maidys spent time being out and about - shopping, bookstore, going to visit Grandpa Park, going through the car wash (Jack's first), etc.

But I think Alex quite enjoyed himself because we were doing one of his favorite things - hanging out with Jack! As Jack gets older and bigger, it is easier to take him places and it's more fun! Jack loves riding in the shopping cart and deciding which things he should grab off the shelf and put directly into his mouth.

And that was just in the morning hours!

In the afternoon, we came back home, grilled up some lunch/dinner (Alex grilled as I am afraid of any kinds of open fire) and hung out with the Lims and my mother.

Yes, you may think it's funny that Alex grilled/cooked some of his own Father's Day meal, but just so everyone knows, I took care of all the preparation (marinade for the chicken, the rice salad, potatoes, dessert).

Afterwards, I fell asleep on the couch while Alex finished up some laundry! :-)

Father's Day was 'invented' to celebrate great dads everywhere, and Alex is definitely one of the greatest.

Broke Down In Boca

2007-06-13T08:50:00.000-05:00

Alex is a typical guy - he loves gadgets, he loves sports, he types with three fingers, and he needs help dressing every now and then (e.g. wrinkled pants and shirt to work is NOT an option). But during our vacation to Boca Raton, FL, I realized not only is he a typical guy, but he is a 12 year old guy who has never packed a suitcase in his life.

He has been using a suitcase my father-in-law purchased decades ago for work travel. I must say, the damn thing has stood up against time pretty well. However, the trip to Florida was to be it's last voyage anywhere no thanks to Alex's INability to pack efficiently. I don't think this guy could play Tetris to save his life.

Nothing is folded neatly, nothing is placed geometrically, and everything is everywhere. Despite the fact Alex only packed 4 outfits (for a guy this consists of 3 T-shirts, and two shorts - I'm not sure how the math works out, but he manages somehow), when we were packing to come back to Chicago his suitcase was busting at the seams - literally!

The zipper ripped off from the suitcase itself (this was probably caused by Alex's 'caveman' way of trying to use force over mental consideration when the damn thing wouldn't close). But instead of seeing that the life of this suitcase was over, Alex continued to 'fight' his luggage to get the zipper closed, and then somehow miraculously get the zipper to adhere back to the suitcase. Sigh, sigh and double sigh.

I had to intervene. I could not watch the wrestling match any longer. I asked him to stop fighting, wipe the beads of sweat from his caveman brows, open the suitcase and step back. He of course did none of the above. I had to intervene with a little more force. I began walking over to his suitcase and open the darn thing myself. Alex broke out in a sheepish grin and tried to stop me, "No, I've got this, you don't need to do anything!"

How could T-shirts and shorts do this? I demanded he let me see the contents of his suitcase. NOTHING was folded. EVERYTHING was just crammed inside - sandals, camcorder, one flip flop, books, and toiletries all haphazardly 'placed' inside. It looked like a gorilla had tried to pack his bag 32 times before giving up in search of food.

"This suitcase is done for, Alexander. You cannot use this, it'll fall apart when it's being handled by baggage claims." I said.
"No, it'll be fine."
"No, it won't. You need a new suitcase."

My father-in-law does quite a bit of traveling for work, so he was able to lend us a bigger suitcase. "Thank goodness!" I thought. Maybe the bigger bag will be conducive to Alex's packing strateegery. I was wrong.

Alex dumped the broken suitcase with it's contents inside the bigger suitcase. Alex is a typical guy.

(I repacked his suitcase anyway)

Support

2007-05-23T10:05:00.000-05:00

Alex is entered in a radio contest....public radio host....kind of like American Idol for radio. I think it's pretty cool he does these kinds of things....keeps life interesting.

My brother-in-law posted about him being the worst husband of the year because he went golfing while leaving his sick wife and two kids home on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I think I will win the worst wife of year as I have NOT voted for my own husband yet. Sigh. So much for support, huh?

The contest ends in about a week or so....I believe I will be voting tonight. Tehehehe.

I would like to add however that being a supportive wife has very little to do with voting and EVERYTHING to do with making Alex's red bean paste for dipping cucumber slices and grilling dried squid and file fish outside on sideburner on the grill (as not to offend said husband's nose or mental state).

Mother's Day

2007-05-09T13:44:00.000-05:00

I had originally started this post as a 'wish' list for Mother's Day seeing how it will be my first. However, Jack gave me an early gift tonight right before bed time.

I read him a book called Sleepy Time Kisses. The last page of this book has a squeaker embedded inside so when Jack taps/hits the page, the squeaker goes off. He did it on his own first, then I hit the squeaker. Jack put on one of his famous smiles and then looked up at me as if to say, "I really LIKE this book, Mom." And for those of you who have never witnessed a 'Jack smile', just think about the best day you've ever had and multiply it by a 100.

It was enough to bring me to tears. I realized at that moment I will NEVER be able to say 'NO' to Jack's smile.

Let's Play Name That Puke!

2007-05-01T21:17:00.000-05:00

Which would NOT be fun to throw up?

Tuna?
Gyros?
Shrimp?

The answer is.....ALL OF THE ABOVE!

Hair-tastic

2007-04-29T22:29:00.000-05:00

By poplular demand, here is the 'MOM' hair.....argh. Laugh and enjoy.

I Hate My Hair!

2007-04-26T09:19:00.000-05:00

I got the worst hair cut known to mankind last night at the salon.

I did my due diligence in selecting the colorist and stylist (who did such an awesome job on my hair three months ago) and even showed up 10 minutes early for my appointment.

As far as color goes, I no longer worry about a 'mistake' - too bright, not enough, too brassy....these are all things that can be corrected, and color fades with time anyway.

But the haircut is forever! You can't fix hair that is cut wrong, or too short! We are not Play-Dough people where we can grow new blue hair in a matter of minutes.

I loved what my stylist did with my hair the last time. It was a rounded cut, kind of like a bob, but with more layers, long layers. She also used a razor instead of scissors which I loved. The effect is very modern and sophisticated.

Last night, my stylist asked what I wanted done. I said the same as last time. I don't think she remembered what she gave me last time and so she asked, "what did I give you last time?" I began telling her and her memory started coming back.

However, this time, she suggested maybe going a little shorter, about an inch. I immediately asked, "how short? You're not gonna make me look like a boy, are you?"

She laughed. She promised it would not make me look like a boy. I agreed to go shorter.

Well, I DO NOT look like a boy.....I LOOK LIKE A MOM! Argh!!!!!!!

When styled, it's poofy up top and narrows/tapers towards the bottom - basically, I looked like a light bulb! She cut SO short that I now have bangs! BANGS people! I haven't had bangs since the 4th grade! I HATE bangs!

Despite my internal horror, I feigned gratitude, thanked her, paid and left. OMG!

It was all Alex could do to keep from kicking me out of the house -I was walking around the house, constantly saying, "I hate my hair!"

I know hair eventually grows out, and I'm hoping that by the time Florida comes around, I will NOT HAVE BANGS, but in the meantime, I have to live with 'MOM' hair.

Bargain!

2007-04-23T21:58:00.000-05:00

Paying bills is a pain in the butt. But I'm always glad it's done after I've finished.
I have no money, but I have peace of mind....some more trade offs of life:

I do not have a super model body, but I have Jack
I am not easy to love, but I love many people (and Newt)

Excursion with Mom

2007-04-15T21:02:00.000-05:00

I did it. I did the unthinkable, the unbelievable. I went shopping with my mother.

She leaves for Korea Thursday, YES, this Thursday, and so she had some things she wanted to pick up for her family and asked if I would take her shopping. I agreed knowing how important this trip is to her. She turned 60 this year, and due to financial limits, I was not able to give her an appropriate 60th birthday gift. So, I agreed to take her, and in the process, get her a few things she wanted/needed.

Before stepping foot into a store/mall, I asked her to think about the folks she wanted gifts for and then to think about what she wanted to get them and make a list. I am a huge believer in making a list. My mother is a believer in grabbing anything and everything that catches your eye and then later when you are ready to leave, find a nice quiet spot at the back of the store and go through all your items again and make another short list. This is her list.

Surprisingly, she said this time she actually did make a list - however, a list doesn't help much if you leave it at home. Sigh. However, I seriously do not believe she actually made any list at all as I found the following to be true during my excruciating experience with my mother:

Coffee -
likes the coffee my sister and brother-in-law drink, and did *I* know what kind of coffee it was? Why would I know what kind of coffee they get?
What kind of coffee should she get?

Ground or whole bean?

Why don't they have everything in ground?

Do they have coffee bean grinders in Korea?

Should I get them a coffee bean grinder?

Vitamins - keep in mind I am NOT a pharmacist

Apparently any kind of supplement that promises to enhance joint/soft tissue health is all the craze these days in Korea. She actually found the kind she wanted quickly (I was pleasantly surprised by this), however....

How many should I get?

Which brand should I get?

Which is better for you?

Should I get one too?

Toothpaste -

"I don't want the gigantic tubes of toothpaste, I just need a small one."

"Then don't buy here in bulk. You're better off buying at Jewel, one tube."

"Why do they sell toothpaste by the box?"

"They don't Mom, they sell in packs of 4 tubes."

"Oh, then I want to get it."

"Why do you need 4 tubes?"

"One for work, one for the main bathroom, one for the master bathroom, and the other as extra."

Her bathrooms are literally five steps away from each other. "It's good to have toothpaste in every bathroom cause you never know where you're going to brush your teeth." WHAT THE HECK ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Woodfield - I'll make the pain short and simple for you

Only planned on giving some people gifts and no gifts for others (forgot spouses, nieces and nephews and their children...etc.)

Made me decide what to get for half the poeple on her 'mental' list for gifts, and the only direction she gave me in searching for these gifts was it had to be cheap/affordable and the highest of quality. Sigh.

Argued Ralph Lauren clothing would be cheap and highest of quality. Lord help me!

Asked me how much items were cause she couldn't see the price on the price tag because she was not wearing her glasses even though they were already HANGING on her shirt!

Despite all of the above, we did share a fair amount of laughs and food (Mom likes Portillo's Italian Beef with hot peppers). And as always, when we returned home, she forgot about how tired her body was from being out for 6 hours and found herself gladly covered in Jack's drool.

Caring is over rated

2007-04-12T20:33:00.000-05:00

I am not a boat rocker, feather ruffler, pot stirrer or sand box bully. I have always played nice with others in the sand box and truly believe majority rules, even if I'm not 100% on board.

But after becoming a mother, I feel I've shed that outter most layer, the superficial shell that usually kept me safe without confrontation in or with the public. I no longer care what other people think - especially when it comes to my Jack.

1) I do not care that my doctor's office thinks I'm a lunatic, a nervous-nelly, paranoid, or even annoying by paging the doctor at all hours of the night or making appointments for Jack to see the doctor every 10-12 days. I do not care how many times or by how many doctors I am told a fever can be a good thing. When a baby spikes a fever over 103 degrees, it CANNOT wait till the next business day for a mother.

2) I do not care that some of my co-workers tire of hearing stories about my Jack. You only have your first born once - coworkers are a dime a dozen! No contest.

3) I do not care that I wear spit up to work.

4) I make 'baby talk' all the time to Jack, even when out in public. I don't care who is giving me a strange look.

5) I could care less that there are 5 people standing in line behind me at Target as I explain for the 3rd time how the Similac Formula coupon works to the newby check-out kid at the register.

And I thought motherhood would make me passive, even flakey! Boy am I glad to be wrong!

Dare Update #2

2007-04-09T21:41:00.000-05:00

I have not run since last Friday.
Too cold.

Weather is supposed to warm up this week. I plan on being back out there again.

Toothless First Cousins Legal here?

2007-04-09T21:33:00.000-05:00

I'll have to leave my men next week for one night and a day as I'm going on a business trip to Charlotte, NC.

Yes, I will be venturing into what I only know as hillbilly nation for a work related trip.

Thank goodness on two levels....
1) it's only for one day and one night away from Jack
2) it's only for one day and one night in hillbilly country

While I'm looking forward to meeting the folks I work with and talk on the phone daily, I am kind of nervous about everything else that comes with going to a state that still upholds marriage between first cousins and considers tator tots a serving of vegetables.

Actually, I'm probably quite wrong about the whole thing. This city is probably loaded with rich history and landmarks from the Old South days, and they probably have good Southern cooking too!

My Jack

2007-04-09T21:26:00.000-05:00

Do you think we look alike? Alex says we have the same face. (also I'm wearing too much blush - you'd think a sister would have told you...sigh)

The Dare Update

2007-04-04T21:12:00.000-05:00

I ran twice last week - Thursday and Friday. I took the weekend off because I needed my body to heal so I could run again, but most importantly because my body just felt like crap after working out! Ouch!

I must admit, I felt wonderful to run/jog again. It felt good to have that time to myself again. It felt great to know that even after Jack, I could still do a mile at the first crack back at working out.

Working out as a non-smoker really makes a difference too. I warmed up, jogged a mile, cooled down and stretched all in about 25 minutes. This means I either ran a fast mile (well, anything 12 minutes and under is considered fast for me) or my warm up and cool down was fast.

Monday I did not work out - got my period, TERRIBLE cramps and just plain tired.
Tuesday I did not work out - waaaaaay too cold! (32 degrees!)
Tonight I did not work out - tired from not getting any sleep due to Alex's snoring (he's sleeping out on the couch tonight) and from getting up every two hours to check in on Jack and finally getting up at 3:30am to take his temp. and give him Tylenol and then putting him back to sleep which he didn't do till 4:44am.

I'm hoping tomorrow I can at least get a good walk in there somewhere, I deserve it.

Right now, it's way past my bedtime and I need to get some shut eye. Good night. Hopefully, Jack will sleep through the night.

"?"

2007-03-27T21:20:00.000-05:00

I like direct questions and direct answers.

"What do you want to do for dinner?"
Direct answers - "I don't know." or "let's grill chicken."
Indirect answer - "Well we had chicken the other night and I didn't really like it and I don't want to do pizza again cause we had it for lunch at work today....."

"What time is it?"
Direct answers - "5:15pm" or "It's time to go!"
Indirect answer - "What do you mean what time is it? For what?"

"Where are you?"
Direct answers - "About half an hour from home." or "I just passed the toll booth."
Indirect answer - "I would be almost home already except there was this accident on the expressway...."

It's communication style differences I guess. I like to get the What, When, Where, Why, Who, and How first before adding to the subject. People generally like to get to those things first as it quickly sets a scenario/ picture/ or mind set of what is being asked/discussed/shared. Anything beyond the facts just adds layers.

There's nothing wrong with adding layers, whether it is interesting or not, just as long as the core of the information is addressed first.

This has been a public service announcement. Thank you.

The Dare

2007-03-27T21:15:00.000-05:00

Man, I have GOT to do something about eating better. I always mean well and get salad bags and stuff to take for lunch the next day, but I never manage to get them to the office. Because I am in a hurry, I always end up packing a frozen dinner/lunch thing. It's horrible.

And I never get enough water in the day. I prefer coffee, Coke, or Diet Coke with a lime. And I never work out. I dream about getting up earlier in the morning or going out after I put Jack to bed to get at least a 30 minute walk, but that never happens.

I barely get up in time to put powder on my face! And after Jack’s been put to bed, I’m pooped and don’t want to do another thing, or have other things I need to take care of for the next day (too bad one of the ‘next day’ item is not putting together a salad for lunch at the office).
Are there just not enough hours in the day to get all I want to do done? Or am I just not DOING them?

Someone once told me that as far as working out goes, if you have the mindset that your workout time is an option, it’ll never get done; it has to become a ‘must’. You don’t have a choice; you don’t base the decision to work out on how you ‘feel’ that day.

I’VE NEVER HAD THE GUTS TO DO THIS.

I am curious though…the kind of curiosity a mad scientist would have looking at some plutonium and nitrogen. What IF I challenged myself to do as I want, and not do as I feel? What if I became militant about keeping to a routine and/or schedule for MYSELF too?
How would I change? And how quickly would that change take place? Would it change who I am?

There are a handful of things I’ve changed for the better in my life, marriage and Jack are the result of some of these changes. But the hardest for me to learn/fix was to manage my money better after my father passed away, and to quit smoking before I got pregnant.

COULD I take on the challenge of getting my butt out there every day? I read it takes at least 21-23 to kick a habit or obtain one.

I’ll have to engineer a ‘habit’ to get myself out there for 30 minutes once a day.

Wet Purse

2007-03-16T14:37:00.000-05:00

So Jack peed on his socks while he was getting weighed yesterday at thedoctor's office...and I hadn't brought the diaper bag with me from the car,so I took off his socks and put them in the front pocket of my purse.

This morning while in my car, I found my glasses sitting on top of the dashand went to put them in the front pocket of my purse (cause I couldn't findthe eyeglass case I'd left in the car). I'd totally forgotten the pee peesocks were still in there and shoved my glasses in.

I got to work and pulled out my glasses and realized what I'd done. I pulledout the socks too. They were still wet. They are now in a plastic bag, backin my purse - the main compartment. Sigh. But I kind of liked seeing a'Jack' item that had followed me to work today. It's a good day.

Thoughts

2007-03-14T12:43:00.000-05:00

First, my apologies for not having blogged in quite a while.

I have been happily busy trying to spend as much time as I can with my son, Jack.
He makes the daily grind of the work place worth it. I was telling a friend of mine yesterday how I wished I had Jack sooner. He is too much fun! He's awesome. I cannot remember what life was like without Jack.

I can no longer hold out to fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. I was trying to stave off buying clothes I'd fit into now in my bigger state. However, I have gotten sick of rotating the same 3-4 shirts and 2 jeans throughout the week. I need to buy clothes without spending an arm and a leg, and also to find things that will actually fit me without going to the maternity section.

I admit it freely, I am still wearing maternity jeans. Why? They are super comfortable! And I am still super fat in the middle. Jack was a big kid! Give me a break...I'm gonna look big in the middle for a little bit longer, okay?

The above being said, I also need to actively do something to drop the pounds. I am currently on SlimFast...I'll let you know how that goes. I've been on it for a week now and have not dropped a single pound...probably cause I have a dessert every night after dinner at home (vanilla icecream and Oreo cookies). I should probably stop that. Also, I have not been working out. I have not even done so much as 30 minutes of walking. So I'll just stop wondering why I haven't lost a single pound now.

My J.Crew card is paid off. I want to buy!!!!!!!!! Damn the internet!

Why?

2007-01-22T20:43:00.000-06:00

When I got home today from work, I found Alex and Jack in the livngroom, doing some tummy time. Then Alex proudly announced he'd used baby powder on Jack's bottom during the last diaper change.

Baby powder has never been a part of our diaper change routine...kind of like Butt Paste...if we don't need it, we don't use it.

So I asked why he'd used baby powder during Jack's last diaper change. Bad idea to ask such an open ended question. Sigh. My bad.

Instead of simply replying "because I felt like it." or "because I wanted to try it." his long winded response (e.g. "well, I heard when the baby's butt is red, or if they've been sitting in a wet diaper too long it's a good idea to use some baby powder during diaper changes...kind of acts like a barrier between the baby's butt and the diaper, and also...")resulted in 10 minutes more of back and forth questioning between me and Alex so that I could try to figure out if Jack had a red bottom due to being in a wet diaper too long, or if Jack's bottom had suddenly broken out in a diaper rash of some sort, or if some other kind of condition or ailment had befallen my son.

Finally, in the end, Alex replied, "it makes his butt smell nicer."

Lesson #59 - Never ask my husband a question that cannot be answered by 'yes' or 'no'.

Jack's Mom

2007-01-04T16:35:00.000-06:00

It has been challenging being a new mom. There was so much I didn’t know, so much I don’t know still and so many more things I will discover by the process of trial and error. It scares me to death, yet at the same time it delights me to see my son growing every day, changing, becoming his own personality….he’s amazing.

I’m so glad I got to spend every day of his first 12 weeks of life…but should that be enough? The answer is clearly no. Any mother who has had to drop her child off at day care and then turn around and walk away knows the kind of pain I felt this week.

Many moms have told me that I will get used to it, that it will hurt less and less as time goes by. When I think about it, that’s the magic or in this case the indifference of time. That the passing of time could make me get ‘used to’ leaving my child with strangers is incredible to me. Should I get ‘used to’ such a thing? I think not. Time is the enemy.

I don’t have enough of it with my son. But even having to come to work wouldn’t be so hard if I knew he was home with a family member looking after him. Anyone can care for an infant, even day care centers. But receiving care vs. love are two very different things.

Care is what is given at a hospital or an animal shelter. Love is what you get from home and heart. It is most unnatural to leave my infant son to go back to work. The added worry of whether he will get enough love during the day kills me. Children don’t grow by receiving care. They grow by receiving love.

It wrecks my heart to no end….”is he being loved at day care?” the answer is inevitably a resounding “NO”. There is a reason why humans don’t have a litter of babies like in the animal kingdom. The human baby needs one on one interaction/bonding/love.

“It will get better….” Bullshit. Maybe for them it did, but I don’t have to think even for a mili-second whether it will get better for me. It will not get better. I am not a day care mom. I am a mother to my son.

Motherhood

2006-12-19T16:41:00.000-06:00

Some thoughts since Jack's arrival:

1) Bouncer/swing after feeding = Spit Up Fest 2006 featuring Jack Maidy!
2) Always have extra burp cloths on hand
3) Burping is not optional
4) Diaper changes - baptism by pee
5) One free hand is enough to get 5 things done while feeing baby
6) Grandparents are wonderful!
7) ACCEPT help when it's offered (or you'll regret not taking it)
8) Burping is not optional
9) Nail clippers - friend or foe?
10) Date night? Yeah right!
11) Vanity - throw it out the window, you won't care
12) Coffee - heaven sent
13) Breast pumps - a very odd, odd contraption
14) Burping is not optional
15) Jack and I lose hair at the same rate
16) Yes...you CAN over bundle a baby
17) I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE the idea of day care
18) Moms are for comfort, Dads are for play (and poopy diapers)
19) Burping is not optional
20) Maternity leave is just long enough for you to feel like a mom....then go back to work! Argh!!!!
21) Motherhood is not a feeling...it is action driven by love
22) Did I mention burping is not optional?

Hiatus

2006-12-19T16:34:00.000-06:00

I'm back!

Yes, it has been months, but I have a good excuse...a great excuse!
The Maidys have added a family member.

On 9-25-06, little Jackson Maidy arrived at 7:41am. Well, he's not so little. He was 8lbs. 10oz at birth. Jeesh! Born via C-section and for good reason too. There is no way I could have had him naturally. Yikes.

Jack is as cute as can be and makes me happy every day with hsi smiles and laughs and attempts to sit up even though he has not yet mastered holding up his head first. Hahahaha!

All the grandparents, and one great grandmother are totally in love with him, not to mention his aunts and uncles are in love with him as well.

Sorry I have not posted in a while

2006-08-09T12:44:00.000-05:00

Being pregnant, all my attention has been put to the baby blog.

Another part of being pregnant is wondering from time to time what will happen (or not happen) to my body once Jack is born and my body is no longer hostage to his needs.

Will I be able to lose the baby weight? Will my stomach ever be the same again? Will I be able to get into a swimsuit after birth?

Besides the physical changes, I wonder about the mental and emotional changes. Up to this point, I've just been my old self. Other than a bit of teen and mid 20's angst, my identity (or at least my idea of who I am) has never been questioned or in doubt.

How about after birth? Being someone's mother is a HUGE identity change/adjustment right? I've heard mothers put this change to me in many ways...."oh you'll still be you, only better!" or "your life will be turned completely upside down as well as who you always thought you were!" and "your priorities change, therefore, you have to change." and "there is no such thing as a cool mom...by definition, moms are not cool."

Really? A cool mom doesn't exist at all? How could there be cool dads, but no cool moms?

Bare Minimum

2006-06-08T10:58:00.000-05:00

I was stopped at a stop sign this morning to make a left onto another street.
There was a car in front of me. A gold Mercedes-Benz, 4 door, also trying to make a left.

At first I didn't pay attention to the funny shape in the driver's seat as I was too busy looking at the cross traffic.
The street we were looking to turn left on is a busy road (Golf), so we had to sit there a while before a break in traffic happned. It was this kind of 'sitting' time that bored my mind and allowed me to observe the shape of the driver's head in front of me.

Was it a woman? A man? What were those things sticking out of what looked like the driver's head? Hmmm....

When the car in front of me finally found a break in traffic and turned onto Golf, I finally saw what I was looking at.
The driver was a woman. And the funny shapes that made up the shape of her head were rollers. I couldn't believe it! From what I could tell, she was wearing a nice work blouse, make-up applied nicely too, but then what was with the rollers? Where and how was she going to take the rollers out and style her hair?!?! DId she have a salon in her Mercedes?

If I realized I was not going to have enough time to roll and style my hair before leaving the house, I would not begin to roll my hair at all.

I've seen women in their car putting on make-up via their rear view mirror on the highway and such and always kind of shook my head at them. It's dangerous, not only for other drivers, but for themselves as well (imagine poking your eye out with a mascara wand). I've heard of people going out to the mall or the grocery store in their pajamas on a regular basis and have shook my had at that too. If you're not going to make the effort to put on shirts and pants, then don't go out. It's a minimum requirement people....even McDonald's requires you have clothes AND shoes on to be served.

Relative Suffering - Compared to a goose

2006-04-06T11:37:00.000-05:00

I have not posted here in a while. I have been sick. See the Peanut blog for details, but in one quick word - pregnancy.
The Peanut blog documents my many, many, many weeks of suffering under the spell of morning sickness due to baby.
Everything from smells, to traveling, to vomitting. I could not believe women all over the world purposely lent themselves to the condition of 1st trimester pregnancy over and over again. I think I was only 2 weeks into the morning sickness when I looked over at Alex and said, "I'm not very good at this. I don't like it. I don't know if I'll be doing it again." Yes, I am a whiner, the biggest, most annoying, most unrelenting whiner of them all (just ask Alex).

But the other day, I realized, I do not have it so bad.

Around our office property we have wild life - well, semi-wild life. We have geese. We have a male and female who mated. The female started building a nest. She could not gather enough twigs, nor any other decent nesting material so she decided to fill in the gaps between her few scraps of a twig nest with her feathers. She laid 7 eggs.

If you've been watching the news, or have stepped outside the last couple of days, you know that it's been quite windy around here. The mother goose sat on her nest deligently, protecting and incubating her eggs for as long as her hunger pangs would let her (the male goose was no where to be found....eh-hem). Eventually, she had to get up to feed. She could hold out no longer.

Wouldn't you know it, the nest of feathers blew away in the wind promptly as she got up. 3 of her eggs came spilling out of the now dismantled nest onto the ground of rocks. She had to eat. There was no way to recover feathers in the wind to rebuild or fix her broken nest. She went off to hunt.

She came back a while later, her eggs still sitting on rock, and sat back down on the 4 eggs that managed to stay together. She tried to stretch herself as wide as she could in an effort to cover the 3 that had rolled away a few inches from the bunch, but it was no use. The weather turned for the worst. The temperature dropped 15 degrees, the winds continued to howl, and then to make things worse....it began to rain on her.

When I returned to the office after the weekend, the mother was no where to be found. She had abandoned the eggs. She didn't come back once to even look at them again. At the end of the day, I saw the female goose walking around with the male again, making loud, loud noise - were they fighting over the destruction of the nest and whose fault it was? It was a 'domestic'...definitely, I could tell. It was not friendly 'quacking'.

The Human Burrito

2006-02-24T12:51:00.000-06:00

1:48am, I'm in bed, I feel uncomfortable, something is wrong. Is it the cat sleeping on my foot? Or the other cat sleeping with his chin on my head? I feel a chill along my back. Why am I so cold? I feel around with my hand....NO SHEETS! I'm completely exposed.

I turn around, waking both cats, making them get up and off the bed onto another sleeping destination. I open my eyes. I can barely make out what I am seeing in the dark. It is a large mass, about 6'3" in length, and from it, a sounds escapes - the sound of a snow plow digging it's way through cement.

It takes a moment for it all to register. I am looking at Alex, wrapped in our sheet AND comforter like a burrito, snoring away as he peacefully, and uninterrupted, sleeps through my discomfort. I sigh and begin Operation Night Time Cover Recon.

I tip/push Alex to his right side with my left hand while quickly pulling out what is rightfully my end of the covers with my right. Then in the same motion, I continue to pull on my end of the covers over to my left side, therefore, rocking Alex onto his back.

He barely stirs. I place the cover evenly over him and evenly over me. But wait....the misery doesn't end....the covers are soaked! He's sweated through the sheets!

Alex sleeps on the side of the bed that faces our window which can get cold. We have an electric portable heater in our bedroom which Alex turns on 'high' before getting into bed.

I admit when I first get into bed, the sheets and mattress and pillows are cold, so therefore I feel cold. But after a few minutes, I'm as snug as a bug as things warm up to a comfortable zone.

We all have a guage in our body to let us know when we're hot, or cold....but I strongly believe Alex's guage is defective.

Alex complains that he is cold. What I don't understand is why I wake up in the middle of the night almost every night to find him wrapped in ALL the covers like a burrito, even though he's sweating like he'd just ran the marathon!

So when I get the covers back, it's not the snuggly, warm, comfortable cover I'm expecting. Instead it feels like an extra humid August day in Chicago after a rain. I'm forced to use whatever square inch of non-sweaty cover to place over myself and attempt to fall back to sleep.

Touching Base....

2006-02-20T16:14:00.000-06:00

Estimated time of call: around 2:15pm
Date: 2/20/06
Participants: Ellie Belly Jelly (EBJ), E-moh (me)
Purpose: Unknown

Me: Hello?
EBJ: E-moh, hi
Me: How are you? Giggle, giggle, giggle
EBJ: Okay...giggle, giggle, giggle
me: What are you doing?
EBJ: Okay
Me: Are you watching TV?
EBJ: Yes
Me: What are you watching?
EJB: Mumble, mumble, me-meh
Me: Are you watching a movie?
EBJ: Yes
Me: Are you watching DVD?
EBJ: Yes
Me: Are you watching Little Mermaid? (cause Wany told me that's what EBJ was going to watch)
EBJ: Widdle me-meh
Me: Oh wow!
EBJ: Oh wow.
Me: Giggle, giggle, giggle
EBJ: Giggle, giggle, giggle
Me: Ellie, how old are you?
EBJ: How ol aw you?
Me: No, how old are YOU?
EBJ: I'm two.
Me: That's right! You're two! Good job!
EBJ: Okay. Widdle me-meh. Bye.

No One Told Me

2006-01-26T18:09:00.000-06:00

I became overwhelmed by a need to eat salty popcorn at work today. Luckily, I had a 'Butter Lovers' popcorn in my desk drawer!

Two minutes later, I was eating popcorn. 7 minutes later, they were all gone. Man! I polished off an entire bag of popcorn by myself.

I sat there, in shock that I'd eaten an entire bag of popcorn by myself when something distracted me. Someone brought in pictures from our recent company bowling outting and was parading it around the office.

There were pictures of co-workers doing karaoke (at the bar in the bowling alley), there were pictures of people falling down on the bowling lane, drinking too much...etc. They were pretty hilarious. I in my usual fashion laughed my butt of at the expense of others in these photos and after about 20 minutes, when I'd had my fill of laughter, I returned to my desk to continue working.

I took a sip of water because the popcorn and all the laughing made me thirsty. As I swallow the water I notice something in my mouth....popcorn between my teeth, and not my back teeth either....but a kernel shell wedged between my 2nd and 3rd teeth in front....a spot well exposed to public view if one was to smile or laugh their butt off looking at goofy pictures of co-workers. Sigh.

I'm SURE someone saw this embarrassment. I'm SURE someone laughed THEIR butt off when they returned to their desk and shared the hilarity with their cube-mate. I'm SURE some folks exchanged a look with another thinking something along the lines of "get a load of this blockhead with an ear of corn between her teeth!"

But NO....no one told me....

Stupid Human Tricks

2006-01-12T12:17:00.000-06:00

Our oldest cat, Nellie, has decided she'd like to be served breakfast at 2am. She struts into our room in the middle of the night and starts 'knocking' on various objects in the room.

We cover our bedroom window with plastic every winter to keep the draft at a minimum. Nellie uses it as an annoyance tool. The plastic is what she knocks/paws at with her paw. It makes such a unique and terrible noise that it even wakes up Alex, who snores like nobody's business.

Inevitably, Alex gets out of bed and feeds her because he's very tired and would like to get some sleep. Big mistake.

Nellie has trained Alex to do as she wishes, and it only took one night. The very next night, Nellie was served breakfast again promptly at 2am.

I have a New Year's resolution...to train Nellie and Alex out of their late night breakfast dance.

I used to buy underwear

2005-12-21T11:28:00.000-06:00

I have harbored a seceret Martha Stewart inside of me. Gads!

I scoffed at scrapbooking, I poked fun of people who shopped at hobby stores, I tossed aside ANYTHING that wreaked of 'home made' or 'home spun' CRAFTS.

My sister recently blogged about wanting to be 18 again. It got me thinking about my younger days as well and how much my interests have changed! Even as recent as 5 years ago, I would NEVER have had any interest in any of the things that interest me now...

I have found myself watching quite a bit of HGTV, and Food Network.
I find decorative pillows a worthwhile investment
I bought a decorative red throw to place at the edge of the bed, just a bit askew...why? I don't know.
I sent out Christmas cards to those I had listed in the address book
I have an organized address book
I have an address file in Excel
I organized the spice cabinet
I have a spice cabinet
I worry that guests may come over and the bathroom will be messy
I worry that burglers will enter the house and steal my Dyson vacuum
I have at LEAST two kinds of jelly/preserve in the house
I am a firm believer in 4 piles of laundry - whites, mediums (this is a highly overlooked pile but a requirement for any launderer who considers him/herself experts), darks, and DRY CLEAN ONLY!

And the warm and fuzzy feelings the holiday brings each year made me put together a holiday baked goods basket which I arranged and packaged myself with cookies and other goodies I made myself.

I find all of this quite amusing and a bit alarming considering I used to go out and buy new underwear to avoid doing the laundry!

Narnia

2005-12-15T08:32:00.000-06:00

I had such expectations for this film - I'd heard such good things about this film - could it be the next Harry Potter? Would it surpass Harry Potter? Oh, such delicious anticipation!

What a downer! Alex and I went to go see this film - actually paid $9.50 for tix to seet his film. I should have waited till it came out on DVD.

It was not at all what I'd expected. The story line felt forced, rushed, and choppy, and the actors were 'stiff' at best. Best part of the film? The animals and the White Witch. They were fortunately delightful to watch on film as they seemed three dimensional, unlike the lion, Peter, and Susan.

I've been told many times how these tales were childhood favorites for many people. From seeing the film only, I cannot imagine how and why. I will need/like to read the book. I'm sure I will completely understand how these tales became a part of childhood through the books.

As for any threats in surpassing Harry Potter - film wise, no contest! Harry Potter is much more a layered and interesting film than Narnia.

With different direction, screen writing,and editing, it could have been something wonderful!

Things I did in the car...

2005-12-09T11:15:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, Mother Nature decided to dump a lot of snow in the Chicago land area.

This made my commute home from work not only interesting, but 3 hours long.

I made an attempt to use my time wisely/productively (because otherwise I would have gone insane, jumped out of my car, run down the length of all the other cars stuck on the road, bang on their windows furiously screaming, "If Pluto's a dog, what the hell is Goofy?!").

1) Called an old friend
2) Called Alex to complain about how I was stuck on the road
3) Listened to Charlie Brown Christmas CD twice
4) Thought about doing anything else besides being stuck on the road
5) Memorized the license plate in front of me
6) Judged Christmas decorations on other people's houses
7) Contemplated walking home
8) Read a Chapter of Steven Hawking's 'A Brief History of the Universe'
9) Contemplated what my options would be if I had to pee really bad
10) Cleaned out the inside of the armrest, side door pockets, the sunglass holder, cup holder (front and back)

I'm buying a sled and keeping it in my trunk....next time, I'm abandoning my car and going sledding for a few hours.

inconvenience

2005-12-08T13:18:00.000-06:00

I have a zit behind my right ear...right where my glasses wrap around my ear...it is very painful when I accidentally graze it as I'm pushing my hair behind my ear...ouch. Who gets a zit right there behind your ear?!?!?!?! Stupid me, that's who.

The List

2005-12-05T13:14:00.000-06:00

These are in no particular order, nor have they been given any particular thought as to whether someone will actually oblige me with said gift(s)...it is simply and most elegently....just a list:

1) Hugs and kisses from Ellie on Christmas Day
2) Coach purse (the one I saw at the Coach store down town during my bachlorette sleep over excursion)
3) Travel Make-up case & assorted make-up brushes from Sephora
4) Eye glass strap/holder (you know that thing you wear around your neck...librarians wear them)
5) Winter coat (J.Crew peacoat, red)
6) Oprah 20th Anniversary DVD
7) Cook books (baking!)
8) Subscription to Vogue (1 year)0
9) Savings Account
10) Facial

This Week in the News....

2005-11-29T22:23:00.000-06:00

26 days till Christmas. Woo Hoo!

I think I may have inadvertantly agreed to play seceret santa to someone at work during the 12 days of Christmas....dag!

I love my over-sized, ugly, baggy, extremely casual flannel lined khakis from J.Crew (they are super warm).

I cannot eat till after 3pm tomorrow - getting blood drawn to check cholestrol, and was told to fast till then.

Have thought about writing again.

I have rediscovered blush.

Have thought about painting faces again, but am afraid they will stare back at me. :-)

Can hardly wait

2005-11-22T13:34:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year....the anticipation of food, fun, and family (and in that order).

The Maidy's will be hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year and trying a couple of new/different dishes and methods of cooking. This year, I plan to help out with preparing the meal...last year was spent cleaning, my favorite past time.

The Thanks List:
Alex's pasta sauce....oh, and Alex
Ellie talk (nooooodles, moy-moy, hammer-head)
Handy brother-in-law
Funny sister
Crazy mother
J.Crew alterations
The job (yes, I mean it)
Ina Garten (Barefoot Contessa)
Clive Owen (sooo hot!)
People who don't fart in elevators
Co-workers who do not talk about their antique wicker plant holders
Flying 'stand by'
My health
Our house
Harry Potter
Nellie & Newt

Longer Than I Thought

2005-11-07T11:37:00.000-06:00

1) Nicotine sobriety - 35 days, feels like 35 months
2) Trip to Dallas/Ft. Worth for work - was 4 days, felt like 4 weeks
3) Ellie visits - been one week, feels like forever
4) Last time I saw my in-laws - 6 months ago, feels like 6 years
5) Being married - been 6 months, feels like forever (tee hee hee)
6) The last time I fit into a size 8 jean - no, we're not going there...cause it goes along with the last time I was at the gym. Sigh.

The Annoying One-Upper

2005-10-31T12:28:00.000-06:00

In everyone's professional life, there is that one person whom all other co-worker's are measured against, whether that is good or bad.

In this case, I can't really call it a good or bad co-worker, but more the annoying co-worker. And I think those who are annoying are the worst of them all. I can handle a mean, cranky, deliriously grouchy monkey of a person....you just avoid this person and for the most part, this person will avoid you too.

However, the annoying person is someone whom you cannot escape...you will have to hear every one of their innane comments, stories, opinions...etc. on every single subject they deem important.

For instance - I am not a collector of furniture made out of wicker. This doesn't stop the annoying co-worker from bringing in pictures of he 'antique' wicker plant holder/furniture to show me. There are many problems with this....

1) There is no such thing as 'antique' wicker - they are either old or new...IT'S WICKER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
2) Wicker is not REAL furniture
3) Plant holders are NOT furniture
4) I made myself clear to this co-worker I know nothing, have no interest, and do not know anyone who would pay real money to buy what she considered 'antique' wicker furniture/plant holder.

This co-worker also insists on discussing her views/ideas/beliefs related to homeopathic cures for common colds, headaches, sleepiness...etc.

I take an advil when I have a headache. But I do not push or advertise or rant on my soap box my preference(s) in ridding myself of headaches.

Also, I can never just make a comment about ANYTHING without having to endure her life time experience on whatever the subject matter happens to be at that time - what ever it is that I've had, she's had worse. If I found a great sale on something, she's done better! This Annoying co-worker has now turned into the 'One-Upper'....you know who they are.....they've always got a story 10 times more horrific, fantastic, mystic, or just plain better than the one you've just shared with people (even if the One-Upper wasn't the intended listener to your stories). If you had a niece/nephew who caught a strange or terrible cold, they've seen worse, and they proceed to tell you FROM THE BEGINNING on how that illness came about for themselves or their kids/niece/nephew. Argh!

There are many shared moments between my boss and I where we are looking at each other with the equal amount of pain and pure exhaustion from having listened to this person's rant all day on just about everything under the sun.

Today, I finally pulled my CD holder out of my car to bring up to my desk...so I can attempt to drown out what I don't want or need to hear.

The Stork Project

2005-10-28T12:41:00.000-05:00

I guess it's been quite apparent to those who spend enough time around me to notice something....I'm nesting.

I have this sudden urge to clean, to clear out, to re-arrange...etc. It's enough to give me goose bumps with joy and glee!

When I thought about my new tendencies, I realized this isn't something that just came over me out of blue...it's been steadily gaining power and control over me.

It all started when Alex and I moved into our condo two years ago. It started with painting the walls a warm, comfy cozy color, then getting matching comfy, cozy duvets for the comforter, then actually making homemade meals, then buying a sturdy, roomy, child seat friendly car, quit smoking....and on and on the list goes.

Very sneakly of mother nature to creep up on you, little by little, one task after another, making it seem like nothing to the person actually completing the tasks.

Baby Jake

2005-10-24T11:06:00.000-05:00

EJ had her baby Friday morning - 11:25am, Jacob Tae Young Buzzard was born by C-section, and welcomed by ecstatic parents, family and friends.

He's beautiful...really. He's got one dimple on his right cheek, squeaks before he cries, and when he does cry, boy, does he have a set of lungs on him! Jeesh!

He's also a big baby...8lbs. 8oz., 21 inches long. He'll play football I think.

Alex and I have wanted to venture down parenthood lane for a while now, but seeing baby Jake cuddled warm and safe in his parents' arms makes us wish we started earlier!

At the End of the Universe is a Place....

2005-10-19T23:56:00.000-05:00

Work has been quite stressful lately, so to get my bearings back and release some stress, I went to the one place I knew I'd be understood, welcomed, and encouraged to be myself...I went to the mall.

I had always found peace there, a kind of spiritual reward as I took in the first breath of recirculated mall air. Memories are indeed connected to sense of smell.

Shoes, purses, Starbuck's, J.Crew, Ann Taylor, the Field's cosmetic's counter, and last but not least, Sephora, oh my!

I had not been to the mall, shopping for myself, in what seemed like ages! It was good to be back, by myself, without having to consider stores someone else wanted to venture to, without having to watch how much time I spent in one store, over one area, over one pair of jeans...etc. It was just me...imagine what a 6 year old would feel at Disney World, having the park mostly to herself (the mall was not at all crowded) and multiply that by a 100 times...that was me!

"I'm BACK!" I thought and immediately headed to my favorite stores. This is where things get depressing. The Gap must be pandering to 10 year olds. EVERYTHING was 'Ultra Low Rise'. What?!?! Why bother wearing pants at all if you're gonna wear it THAT low!? I picked up some sweaters that initially looked cute when nicely folded and stacked on the display tables...but when I reached out for a size 'L' and unfolded the sweater...OMG, it could not have been more than an 'M' at best. I moved onto the jeans...the Gap always has good, affordable jeans that fit me. Not today.

They've changed their jeans! Instead of the gazillion style of Gap jeans I'm used to (low rise, boot cut, reverse fit, original, slim fit...etc), they now only have 3 types of jeans. Curvy. Original. Straight.

Curvy - these are for normal women who actually HAVE hips. I do not.
Original - these might as well be called the 'mom' jeans. I'm not into super low rise jeans or anything, but these buttons came up over the belly button!
Straight - Ultra Low Rise...enough said.

I stopped in at J.Crew, tried on four pants...Ultra Low Rise...funny, they didn't seem so low hanging on the rack.

On my way out, I spotted two teenage girls walking side by side, both on their cell phones, toting Express shopping bags, wearing the ultra low rise jeans which showed off their tight abs which were barely covered by what seemed like half sized hoodies they wore as a shirt. Also they were wearing way too much make-up...is blue eye shadow and sparkle lip gloss back? Gak!!!

I stopped in at Sephora...I always find something there! I love lingering by the perfume area and test everything (on the test strips of course)! Bulgari, Kenzo, Gucci, Versace, Dolce & Gabana, and a curious scent from Stella McCartney...which I decided I liked, but was way too expensive, would rather buy something for the house instead, like groceries, and...WAIT A MINUTE! Oh my gosh, was that like a mature thought?

I realized something....not only could you take the girl out of the mall...but you COULD ALSO take the mall out of the girl! All signs pointed to...the place at the end of the Universe!

I left the mall with only one purchase...grey herring bone dress pants for work. Ack!!!

Victrola

2005-10-19T23:41:00.000-05:00