Inadequate

Breast feeding is not going anywhere. Ben absolutely refuses to nurse 90% of the time and when he does decide to nurse, it's as a last resort and only on one side. I have all but given up on the hopes that he will ever breast feed.

Pumping hasn't been that much more successful either. Ben is a very needy baby and therefore I do not always get to pump at a 2 hour cycle every day. With my sister in law here to help, I assumed I would not have this problem but I can't pump and leave the bottle feeding to Sam all the time. I feel I'd be neglecting Ben in my motherly duties if Sam took care of the bottle feedings 6 times out of the 8-12 in a 24 hour period. I don't know. Maybe it's not such a bad thing. I don't know.

Emotionally I feel like a wreck. I'm feeling okay about things one minute and the next I feel like my life is utterly out of control. I hate feeling out of control.

I feel like I'm not being a good mother to Ben. When Ben is not sleeping or eating he is crying....I mean all the time! I can count on one had the few times when he's been awake, just alert and gazing at things or faces without crying bloody murder! I'm fearful that he has what I'm beginning to think is 24-7 colic. It's not just certain times of the day, or night. It's all day, all night. If he's not feeding he's crying. I don't remember Jack being so fussy.

At times I get angry about the crying, but I know it's irrational and that's what babies do, they cry. I tell this to myself until someone (friends or family) come over and see first had what I'm talking about when I complain about the crying.

I know every baby is different, and right now I feel totally unable to console or care for Ben. I don't know what he needs, I don't know how to console him. Maybe I'm not spenidng enough time with him. Maybe I don't play with him enough. Maybe he's complaining because he needs face time - my face. But I am so tired.

He feeds every 2-3 hours and trying to get him on a schedule seems less than impossible.

He needed a bath today, but I don't want to give him one as he will most certainly start crying. Whenever I walk into a room he starts to cry. He hates me.

Jack is crying in his room right now. It is past his bedtime. I don't know why he is crying. I hope he goes back to bed.

I have to pee and right now I'm blogging instead of peeing. Why? Because I need an outlet, to vent. I feel I need to vent more this time around than I did with Jack. I feel horrible. All the best laid plans have crumbled before me and I'm having to work with what is left to me.

I need to pee, then take my mom to my sister house now. She had an endoscopy today. I realized a lot of things about my mom today, but mostly that I love her very much and I need to take better care of her.

That's my stress right now...I want to take care of everyone and everything and I feel I am not equipped for such a duty.