Sun Burn and Other Happenings

Got sun burn while detailing the cars Tuesday afternoon. I didn't think I'd be out there THAT long, so I didn't bother to even thing about sunscreen. That was a mistake. It was painful yesterday, it is now itchy today. Sigh. It wouldn't be half as bad if I'd just gotten a normal looking burn, but no....I have this weird sports bra and tank top pattern on my back now and for the rest of the Summer. Sigh...sigh.

Sam left today back for Florida. We miss her already. Alex really misses having a family member around the house for an extended period of time....so now I wonder what his wife and kids are to him? Are we not family too? Just kidding. I know what he means. I am fortunate that I live very close to my family (though sometimes I wish I didn't) but Alex does not have such luxuries as those he grew up sharing living space with are in Florida - far away. He really enjoyed having Sam around as did the rest of us and felt the void she left behind tonight as silence fell over the house after Jack and Ben fell asleep. I'm sure Alex misses having Sam to pick on and talk about films and comics.

We sent her home with a nice book, photos of the kids, and a gift certificate to Sephora for all the help she provided in July.

Life with Ben without the help of Sam or anyone else for that matter truly begins Monday when Alex is back at work, Jack is at daycare and I am home alone with the Ban-Ji-Man. He is an incredibly cute kid like his brother, but unlike his brother, Ben can become angry, very quickly. Oh, and also, he does not like to sleep. Sigh.

I am feeling better nowadays though....much less frazzled. I think I had too much going on all at the same time and became stressed out. Now that the stressful moments are over, I am feeling more level headed and used to having a newborn in the house again. I am not sure why I expected things to be orderly and systematic.

I got my hair cut short. It's an angled bob, or an inverted bob as Sam called it. Whatever it is, I love it. It's short in the back and longer in the front so it still gives the illusion of having length without the long length which would have been too much for me to take care of had I left my hair long.

My back is itchy but I cannot scratch it...the burn still hurts. Gads!

6 weeks

Officially 6 weeks post partum. My check up went well. I am back to normal and little by little, I can start getting back to normal things. Lifting Jack, however, still makes my incision area achy and sore so I have to still take it easy with him. Otherwise, I plan on taking daily walks and even try my hand at getting back to jogging again though I'm not sure how I'll get this accomplished once Sammie goes back to Florida. Hmmm. Must think about this some more. I may have to resort to jogging at night after Jack goes to bed while Alex watches Ben.

Nights and days are still mixed up for the B-man. Trying to fix it starting today by waking him up every 3 hours after he dozes off. He has his bigger chunks of sleep during the day time, but during the night, he promptly gets up every 2-3 hours to eat or just fuss. Sigh. I am very tired.

Need to think about budgeting what remains of our savings account till I return back to work. Need to go grocery shopping too for some odds and ends here and there.

I am thinking about putting an end to pumping. I don't get much as it is right now and if Ben is indeed allergic to lactose, wouldn't he be allergic to the lactose that's in breast milk anyways?

Alex goes in for surgery Monday. He is worried. Because he's been so very healthy all his life (despite his history of high blood pressure and bad cholesterol - it runs in his family)he is quite nervous about going under the knife.

Logically, he knows there is nothing to be afraid of. In reality, it still scares him to death to go under for his irrational fear of not being able to come back out of it. Unfounded fear? Yes, but I guess I would feel/be the same way if I were in his position.

Okay, gotta go now...eat lunch, then look up some stuff about breastmilk allergies.

I have a date!

Yes, it's true! I have a date this Friday and it is not with my husband. Gasp!
No worries or gossip to be had here....I am meeting a couple of my female coworkers from the office.

Our department has recently had a re-org. so I'm sure there will be plenty of things to discuss related to the change as well as other gossip that I've missed out on since 6/6.

I am glad to be out of the house every now and then as it helps keep my sanity. I am so terribly thankful to have my sister in law here to help me as well. I don't know what kind of mental state I'd be in if it weren't for her help and company.

Anyway, just wanted to note that I am in much better mood since my last post. I think it's because I'm actually getting things done around the house, am able to check my work email, and I've actually started making a list of things I'd like to do or get done this month. Yes, the planning Taylor is back! Woo hoo! Today I dumped all of Ben's feeding times and amounts into .xls format. I needed to do something like that (I know for most of you this isn't exciting). I think Ben is trying to develop a pattern of sleep and wakefulness. I'm beginning to feel more and more like myself again.

Okay, the B-man awakes. Gotta go change his diaper and get him fed on schedule.

Inadequate

Breast feeding is not going anywhere. Ben absolutely refuses to nurse 90% of the time and when he does decide to nurse, it's as a last resort and only on one side. I have all but given up on the hopes that he will ever breast feed.

Pumping hasn't been that much more successful either. Ben is a very needy baby and therefore I do not always get to pump at a 2 hour cycle every day. With my sister in law here to help, I assumed I would not have this problem but I can't pump and leave the bottle feeding to Sam all the time. I feel I'd be neglecting Ben in my motherly duties if Sam took care of the bottle feedings 6 times out of the 8-12 in a 24 hour period. I don't know. Maybe it's not such a bad thing. I don't know.

Emotionally I feel like a wreck. I'm feeling okay about things one minute and the next I feel like my life is utterly out of control. I hate feeling out of control.

I feel like I'm not being a good mother to Ben. When Ben is not sleeping or eating he is crying....I mean all the time! I can count on one had the few times when he's been awake, just alert and gazing at things or faces without crying bloody murder! I'm fearful that he has what I'm beginning to think is 24-7 colic. It's not just certain times of the day, or night. It's all day, all night. If he's not feeding he's crying. I don't remember Jack being so fussy.

At times I get angry about the crying, but I know it's irrational and that's what babies do, they cry. I tell this to myself until someone (friends or family) come over and see first had what I'm talking about when I complain about the crying.

I know every baby is different, and right now I feel totally unable to console or care for Ben. I don't know what he needs, I don't know how to console him. Maybe I'm not spenidng enough time with him. Maybe I don't play with him enough. Maybe he's complaining because he needs face time - my face. But I am so tired.

He feeds every 2-3 hours and trying to get him on a schedule seems less than impossible.

He needed a bath today, but I don't want to give him one as he will most certainly start crying. Whenever I walk into a room he starts to cry. He hates me.

Jack is crying in his room right now. It is past his bedtime. I don't know why he is crying. I hope he goes back to bed.

I have to pee and right now I'm blogging instead of peeing. Why? Because I need an outlet, to vent. I feel I need to vent more this time around than I did with Jack. I feel horrible. All the best laid plans have crumbled before me and I'm having to work with what is left to me.

I need to pee, then take my mom to my sister house now. She had an endoscopy today. I realized a lot of things about my mom today, but mostly that I love her very much and I need to take better care of her.

That's my stress right now...I want to take care of everyone and everything and I feel I am not equipped for such a duty.

It's been 4 weeks since the birth of my second son, Ben.

He is a beautiful baby. He is a hungry baby. He is a I want play and look at faces baby. He is also pretty good about getting up several times at night for long feedings.

I've had to adjust my way of thinking. At first I was nothing but annoyed by the fact that Ben would wake up every two hours to feed. His feeding sessions would last anywhere between what seemed like 15 minutes to 15 hours! I guess it's because it was the middle of the night that it felt longer. But there were many nights I'd look at the clock and see that he'd been eating his 4 oz bottle for the past hour.

Then there were nights he was so gassy and fussy that he slept no more than 40 minutes at a time. Poor kid. But he's a champion burper (thanks to his dad) and pooper (also thanks to his dad). He has had no problem gaining weight or growing. He's very strong too. He's already lifting his head and moving from side to side.

There were times I thought I was going to lose my mind during the middle of the night. There were times I shed a few tears as well...blame it on hormones or the fact that I'd totally forgotten that it must have been like this with Jack as well.

Maybe I didn't mind as much with Jack just cause he was one baby and our first, so I think my nerves and my OCD kicked in to block out the reality of being sleep deprived and unshowered for days on end and not having eaten.

Also with Jack, I didn't pump breast milk, so I had plenty of coffee to sustain me through the hours. Not so with Ben. But I keep thinking about the benefits Ben will have received from breast milk. I am hoping Ben will not get ear infections like Jack. I am hoping he will be able to stave off the common cold when he is at daycare.

My sister-in-law, Samantha is here to help me for a month which is totally appreciated! She has already helped tons by cleaning the many bottles Ben goes through. I am afraid I will have been spoiled rotten by the time she leaves. Sigh.

However I find that there are still many things that keep me busy during the day...laundry, what to do about lunch, dinner, snacks, did I pump on schedule? Have I showered? Should I make more seaweed soup? Yes, I think I shall. In fact, that is what I'm going to do now. I love that stuff and it's supposed to be good for milk production. Oh, that's another thing I need to find out, what foods will cause the least amount of gas for Ben in breast milk. Sigh. So many things to do!