Good-bye to an old friend

Not many people think of a pack of cigarettes as their 'friend', but I certainly did...for many years now. It's seen me through three serious relationships, three cars, three schools, five jobs, and four homes.

Today, I said good-bye to this friend. The remaining cigarettes, as well as the lighter were tossed into the trash.

An immense amount of anxiety and fear set in. The real possibility of failing, with or without the pills my doctor gave me to help me quit, sunk into the pit of my stomach like a 200 pound rock.

Was I cut out for this non-smoking business? It seemed to me that you are 'meant' to be a smoker, or non-smoker...kind of like you either love golf or see absolutely no point in the activity (no, it's not a sport), or Coke vs. Pepsi. I always saw myself as a smoker.

But as my life changed dramatically this year, I began to see myself fulfilling other roles other than a smoker. First and foremost, I saw myself being a mother.

But even that wonderful prospect did not manage to erase the doubts. I could feel a panic, a kind of screaming brewing from deep within and making it's way up through my throat.

What would I do during my commute into work tomorrow? What would I do after the stressful daily conference call? What will I do after lunch? What will I do around 3pm when I need to break up the afternoon? How else would I reward myself while driving home after work? What would I do after dinner? What would I do right before bed time?

Man! Had I really incorporated cigarettes into every aspect of my day? Every single event, task, or passage of time in my day included a cigarette. I'd adjusted my route home from work to fit picking up a pack of cigarettes, I'd endured rain, snow and Chicago winters coming into my car to have a smoke on my way to work or back home even when my fingers turned blue from the cold or pruny from the rain water. I'd endured terrible chest colds every November-a result of smoking.

I had to work very hard to manage my finances every month, however I'd easily manage to budget enough to buy a pack of cigarettes. RIDICULOUS. It had to end.

So, for taking preventative measures physically, I will be munching on carrot sticks for a while, and taking the pills my doctor prescribed for me. Mentally, I will be thinking about all the irritating and annoying things I had to endure as a smoker. I will also be thinking of baby names.

Will I cheat? will I give in? Only time will tell. I have to think in terms of taking it hour by hour, sucking up as much support as I can from my friends and family, telling everyone at work, and lastly, keep my eyes on the prize...motherhood.

Also, I have a funny picture of Alex I will be taking to work with me...to look at when I start feeling anxious. The picture makes me laugh and is a great distraction (recently he went to get his hair cut, and the stylist cut his bangs un-evenly).